Taking off my cranky pants

I'm headed to a $2000 dentist appointment in a little bit. At my check up last month, there was nothing wrong. Today? "SURPRISE! We need you to pay us $2000."

Our grand total of unexpected expenses for 2011 is at almost half of my annual salary. By the way, it's only February. Also, we're still down one car.

I want to complain. I so badly want to whine about how awful this is, but as much as I try not to, my mind keeps taking me back to how fortunate I am. Well, fortunate and in debt. But fortunate, nonetheless.

I don't want to feel that way. I want to stomp and throw a tantrum, much like Jack does when things don't go his way. I don't want to count my blessings . . . I want to stress out. And in all honesty, I've done a little bit of that today. But there's something that keeps cutting into my self-pity and stressing.

I've been more intentional about reading my Bible this month (I'm trying to do the New thru 30 reading plan . . . though it'll likely end up being New thru 90 at the rate I'm going).
In Hebrews, the author says, "For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart."

That's not just good writing. It's truth and I've seen the evidence over the last few weeks. When I'm reading the Bible regularly, it sticks with me. The words are life giving and bring perspective. I absorb them and they become a part of who I am. Whether I obey them or not . . . well, that's still my decision . . . but their transforming work begins even without my permission.

I just keep remembering that I'm a part of something way larger than myself. My mind goes back to the fact that there's a bigger story at play, and while I need to be responsible with my finances, how much money I have is ultimately not the point. Comfort is not the point. Retiring to someplace warm some day would be nice . . . but it's also not the point.

Let's face it . . . in the grand scheme of things, we're already pretty darn comfortable. We have a home that we love. A car that is way more than enough to get us where we need to go. We have access to medical and dental care. This massive infection in my mouth? It'll be gone in a few hours. Kyle's kidney stones? Almost gone, with both kidneys still functioning. Both of my boys are healthy and breathing clearly. Our refrigerator is full and our heat is on. We have so much more than we need. Even if none of the above were true, I could still tell of abundant blessings.

I kind feel like laying in bed crying and feeling sorry for myself, but my mind and my heart won't let me do it . . . because I can't even remember why I was complaining in the first place.

Comfort and joy

If you don't know at least five people right now, personally, who have been laid off and can't find work, my guess is that you do not live in Michigan. It's a tough time for our entire country, but I feel a little bit like Michigan is a sinking ship.* Watching the morning news is so depressing and causes so much anxiety, that sometimes I mute it when the local news comes on so that I can just watch the national news. Unemployment in our state will hit double digits in the next month or so. The outlook is bleak. I think daily about moving to a different state . . . if it weren't for our house being worth about half of what it was when we purchased it. *

Forget the GDP. I feel like we're already living in a depression.

There are so many directions I could go with this right now, so many grievances I'd like to air. So many people I'd like to point fingers at. But that's not what this post is about.

Ironically enough, we didn't get to send out Christmas cards this year, but the idea I had rolling around in my head for the theme was "comfort and joy." How badly do we need a little dose of that right now? In a time when anxiety is peaking and the world seems to be crumbling, the reminder that Jesus came to bring comfort and joy is soothing.

You know the chorus of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman," don't you?

God rest ye merry gentlemen,
let nothing you dismay,
remember Christ our Savior
was born on Christmas day,
to save us all from Satan’s power
when we were gone astray,
oh, tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy, oh!
Tidings of comfort and joy!

It's not scripture, but it certainly is biblical.

Jesus didn't only come for cheerful people putting ornaments on Christmas trees, while singing "Jingle Bells." He came for the jobless. For the sick. For those who are fearful and confused. For me. Jesus was born to an unwed mother. Who was traveling with her bewildered fiance. A young, inexperienced couple in an unfamiliar, busy, overcrowded town. Trying to pay their taxes, on top of it all. And he was born into a world in which leaders were struggling to protect "Roman peace" and to maintain political and economic stability. Does any of this sound stressful and chaotic? To this world He brings comfort and joy.

We aren't asked to "let our hearts be light" or to shove our troubles in a corner and forget about them over Christmas. We're told to have courage. We're granted forgiveness. We're invited to bring them to the throne of the One whom we worship and surrender them. We're asked to trade them in for comfort and for joy. We're granted Comfort that can trasncend any situation and bring rest to the weary soul. And the kind of joy that is so much more than the happy shell of one celebrating a holiday . . . the kind of joy that penetrates one's heart and seeps into every part of his being.

Tidings of comfort and joy to you . . . Christ is born today.

*Don't read these statements as anything other than hyperbolic speech and my off the cuff assessment of my feelings. I haven't given up hope on our state and though I think it'll get a lot worse before it gets better, I feel a sense of God's moving and presence as we are, well, humbled.

Cavity free since September, 2008.

So, I had my final dentist appointment (at least until March) today because . . . drum roll, please . . . I am cavity free. However, I do have two places they are monitoring. I'm so sick of dental work.

As the lady was cleaning my teeth, she kept going on and on about how clean they were. I told her I was obsessive about flossing and brushing and rinsing, though you wouldn't know that from the number of fillings I have. She told me that my saliva was probably very acidic . . . whatever that means. All I know is that it's a bad thing for people without dental insurance.

She then made a comment about how much easier her job was because of how well I took care of my teeth.

Hmmmm . . . don't you think that warrants a discount?

The trap.

I've been caught in the worry trap for the last couple of weeks. I fall into it a couple of times a year.

The summer is always tight financially, and September is always the worst. But I most often don't even worry about having enough money now . . . I just worry that we'll never be able to save enough money to retire. Or send our kids to college.

Or that we won't ever have enough money to have more kids, for that matter.

I worry that our country's economic woes will suck us under.

I worry that I'll wake up one morning to get Jack out of his crib and he won't be at all excited to see me.

I worry that so many people will be consumed with thinking that global warming is a hoax that they'll never stop to consider that whether it is or isn't, we are still responsible for taking care of the earth on which we live and I worry that our children and grandchildren will have to suffer the consequences of our carelessness.

I worry that our house will never again be worth what we paid for it.

I worry that the wrong guy will be elected in November. I worry that the person I call the right guy might actually be the wrong guy.

I worry that the dentist will tell me that I need more dental work.

Every time I sell a card, I worry that I'll never sell another.

I was watching the History Channel a few weeks ago (because that's what you do with your free time after you turn 30) and there was a special about the 7 greatest threats to mankind. Since then I've worried that we'll be sucked into a black hole or hit by an asteroid or that Jack will get some sort of flu that can't be treated. (Ok, not really worried about the black hole or asteroid things, but kind of worried about the flu.)

I realize that I sound like a mental case, and I probably am a little. But it feels good to get some of this off of my chest.

And I know, I know . . . worrying gets me nowhere. I think that's why they call it a trap. I'm just working my way out . . .

Staying afloat

I feel like my life right now is all about trying to keep my head above water, figuratively speaking. I can't even tell you everything that I have to get done at camp right now, because assembling a list that size is more than my brain can handle.

I'm going through my annual nesting phase. I realized last year as I was going through my "nesting phase" before Jack arrived that I actually go through it every year. I'm preparing for summer to hit and for our staff to arrive by doing all of the things that typically get neglected during the summer. My house is actually in pretty good shape right now, but I feel like it's never clean enough or picked up enough to satisfy me!

The thing that is compounding my overwhelmedness (it's a word, because I say it's a word) is that I'm constantly chasing after a kid who is getting faster and faster every day. You would think that his little legs would get tired before mine, but it's not true. I can't believe that he's only been walking for a week or two because you'd think that he's been doing it his whole life. It's exhausting.

I was taking pictures of Jack at the park yesterday (to practice for some engagement pictures I took today) and I was sitting him on one of the cement benches, my camera swung forward and the lens CRACKED IN HALF. Yes, the lens that I just bought in December. This kind of thing happens to me A LOT. I've been a little stressed about money . . . it seems that the bills just keep getting bigger and bigger. Well, it doesn't just seem that way. It is that way. I'm praying through my anxiety.

Lastly, I did not feel yesterday's earthquake but several people claim that they did. Jack woke up at 5:30 (which was about an hour earlier than usual) and we wonder now if that's what woke him. It couldn't have been felt too strongly around here, because Murphy didn't wake up and EVERYTHING wakes her up.

My thesis is due on FRIDAY and I have several projects that have to be finished at the beginning of this week. Kyle's parents took Jack to Kyle's team's baseball tournament today, so that I could get some things done. Unfortunately, I spent way too long at the cell phone kiosk trying to get my new phone insured . . . that's another story for another day.

A bad dog and a sick child

We trained Murphy to ring a little bell at the back door when she needs to go out. Genius, right? No matter where we are, we can always tell when she wants to go out. The problem is, that after two years of faithfully ringing the bell when her bladder is full, she's beginning to realize that she can also ring the bell to go out and play . . . or to go out and bark ferociously at any of the dogs in the neighborhood. Some times she'll ring the bell 10 times or more.

I stopped letting her out when she would ring the bell within 30 - 40 minutes of going out last. However, she'll ring the bell, jump at the door and yelp until I finally give in out of pure frustration. Tonight, she was outside barking incessantly at the dog that lives in the house behind us. I offered her a treat to come inside. She reluctantly made her way onto the deck and up to the house. When she got in I calmly explained to her that I lied and I wouldn't give her a treat. These are the things that make me worry that I'll be less than effective at disciplining a child.

I spent $71 on gas today. SEVENTY-ONE DOLLARS! I haven't been one to complain about gas prices too much because I realize that if they had increased with the rate of inflation over the last 20 years, they'd be a lot higher than they are now. But either way it's seriously killing our budget. I need people to start buying Christmas cards!

I have a few of my custom Christmas cards on ebay, but to be honest I'm not really that thrilled with my designs. They're kind of bland and boring. I just didn't have a whole lot of time to work on them. I've had two people ask questions about them, but so far no purchases. I guess I'll be ready for next year. Maybe I should focus on save the dates and baby announcements.

Jack's sick. The poor thing can barely breathe out of his nose and it pains me that I can't do anything about it. He hates it when I wipe his face and he's had crusties underneath his nose all day. He's still been in a pretty good mood, but you can just tell by looking at him that he's not feeling great. Will I always feel this sad when he gets sick? I guess I should consider us fortunately that he hasn't had the asthma and breathing difficulties that I had when I was an infant. I'm not sure how I'd be able to handle that!

Well, Murphy's chewing up another burp cloth. I'd better go.

Explanation of How We're Going to Screw You Over

I received our "Explanation of Benefits" from our insurance company for Jack's doctor's appointments thus far. I really feel that they should be called "Explanation of How We're Going to Screw You Over" (EOHWGSYO) because inevitably, that's what they are. And today was no exception to that rule.

I read in our information that Jack's "Well Baby" visits and immunizations were covered 100% by our insurance company. A part of the reason I wanted to have a baby was just so that we could get something from our insurance company that was covered 100%.

So, imagine my surprise when I get the EOHWGSYO from the insurance company and it says we owe $273 for his latest check up and immunizations. "How could that be?" I asked myself. These check-ups are clearly marked as "Covered - 100 percent of the approved amount, no deductible required" in benefits guide. I had several people tell me how lucky I am to have that coverage, and I agreed. We're already trying to figure out how to pay off the thousands that we owe for hospital costs and other debt in our life, so having something covered 100% was . . . well, it was just nice not to have to worry about it.

However, tonight I saw the fine print. Isn't it funny how bad news is so often in the fine print? On our benefits guide it says, "Preventive Care Services - Payment is limited to a combined $500 annual maximum for covered preventive care services." $500. Why even say you'll cover these visits and immunizations 100% if you'll only cover it up to $500? You can't get 2 well-baby visits and all of the immunizations for $500 . . .so how can you possibly get all 6 that the insurance company allegedly covers? It's impossible. The real kicker is that if these "preventive" visits were billed as regular office visits, we'd only have to pay our usual 20% co-pay. The other thing that really gets me is that the doctor's office that told me I was going to cause brain damage to Jack also billed my insurance and will be sending me a bill for the remaining balance. How is this fair?

So, I lost it tonight. I broke down into the ugly cry again. I kept thinking about how if Kyle had a teaching job, we'd have a lot less hospital bills, Jack's doctor's visits would be covered, plus we'd have more money. I kept thinking about how if we had saved our extra money three years ago, we wouldn't be in so much debt now. I keep thinking about the horrible, horrible mortgage that we got fooled into signing off on and how the market's so bad right now so selling or refinancing are years away from being options. I kept thinking about how the camp doesn't provide housing for us and how nice it would be not to have a house payment. I kept thinking about how we may literally never be able to retire. I cry even as I type this because I feel a little like I'm drowning. Kyle keeps reminding me that God has always provided and will continue to provide, but at what point is the issue not God's provision, but us having to live with the consequences of spending rather than saving during the earlier years of our marriage.

I love Jack and know that he was worth every penny that went (or will be paid) toward infertility treatments and hospital bills, but I wish I could go back 5 years and change a few things. I know it's crazy, but I keep hoping we'll just win the lottery (which means I'd actually have to go buy a ticket) or have all of the debt erased. I constantly come back to to this recurring thought of how great I'd feel to have all of our debt erased.

One day as I was dreaming about what it would be like to be debt-free, I realized that the freedom that would come from having our financial debt erased is nothing compared to the freedom that we have from having our sin erased. As trite as it may sound, Jesus died to pay a debt far greater than anything we owe to any hospital or credit card company. I'm blessed just to not have to carry the burden of my sin any longer. I need to live each day realizing that there is a freedom greater than financial freedom that is already mine. Praise God!

I guess I need to stop stressing about retirement and start praising God for how he provides for us each day. My prayer for tonight is that God will use us despite our financial woes and that we will be able to make wise financial decisions. And that we will win the lottery.

Buying deodorant

Kyle and I had a chance to go on a date last night. And when I say "date", I mean what all married couples with children mean when they say "date" . . . we ran errands and got dessert while Kyle's parents watched jack. I had a mini-breakdown while balancing the checkbook yesterday, so I needed this little bit of de-stress time. It was a nice time away and we got quite a bit done.

Anyway, when Kyle and I were making returns at Target we picked up a few things we needed: razor blades for him, some bug-killing spray for the plants out front . . . and deodorant for me. This was significant and let me tell you why.

For the five years we've been married, we've had a joke/argument going on about how much deodorant Kyle goes through in a year (side note: isn't it funny how many marital jokes have "/argument" after them?). Seriously, it seems like every other time we're out he has to pick up more because he ran out. On the other hand, I use deodorant every day (sometimes more than once in the summer) just like he does but I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've had to buy it since we've been married. I don't think I smell worse than he does, but I guess everyone else is more of the judge of that than I am.

This week, I noticed I was getting low and I had to buy some. It was a special occasion. They don't make the "sparkling pear" scent that I usually wear anymore (shocker). So I got some tropical smelling kind that will make me smell like I'm wearing sunscreen all year long.

I realize as i type this that those of you reading it may not thing that this is as eventful as we do, and some of you may be wondering if my hygiene habits are what they should be. But it gave us something to laugh about.

I also tried on some pants at Old Navy that actually fit. Yes, they were two sizes larger than what I was wearing last year at this time, but at least I could wear a pair of pants sans elastic waistband. No, I did not buy them. I'm thinking that I might need to buy new winter pants if my waistline doesn't reach it's original size by this fall so I'm saving my money for that. I am realizing, though, that I have four bridal/baby showers to go to in the next month and I'm going to have to invest at least a little money in some new clothes for that. I'm not sure that t-shirts and worn out khaki capris will cut it for those.

On our way home last night the Saturn was making some funky noises, vibrating horribly, braking badly and the back driver's side tire smelled really hot. Yikes. We only have one payment left on that car. I bought it 5 years ago on Kyle's birthday when we were engaged but still a few months away from being married. On August 26 it will be completely paid off. Just on time to put a lot of money into fixing it. Oh well, it's kind of a drop in the bucket at this point.

Speaking of 5 years ago, on July 17 it was the 5 year anniversary of when Kyle proposed to me. It's kind of hard to believe that it's already been 5 years. And in other ways, it's hard to believe that it's ONLY been 5 years. We were so young back then. A friend of ours proposed to his girlfriend on July 17 this year so it's fun for us to have the same "engagement anniversary date" as they do. We've been a part of a coupld of engagements now. SOmeone proposed to their girlfriend (now wife) in our old apartment. Someone proposed to their girlfriend (now wife) in our trailer that we stayed in out at camp one summer. Now, we just need to have someone propose at our house. If anyone's interested, they can just let us know. :)

Thoughts on cleaning the refrigerator . . .

I cleaned out the refrigerator tonight. This project was inspired by an incident on Monday that involved JJ trying to make a quesadilla and pulling out way moldy cheese . . . mildly embarrassing. Now that everything that is too old to eat has been cleaned out, we have a jar of the best pickles ever, a few random condiments, some good cheese, and stuff for campfire pizzas (which will probably go bad before we get a chance to eat it . . . I have not been to a single campfire this summer - tragic).

The most interesting thing I found in the back of the fridge was a few boxes of the gonal-f injections that we used to help us get pregnant. They expire next week. I was having trouble throwing them out because it is more than $1200 worth of medicine that will just end up wasted. I won't throw them out a day before they expire. I don't know why. That's just a lot of money I wish I could get back. I just remember feeling so hopeless.

It's weird that we were going through all of the infertility stuff last year because it seems like forever ago. It feels good that I have my baby in my arms as I type this. It makes the fact that I'll be throwing out $1200 worth of meds next week seem worth it.

I realized last night that as I've been thinking about our financial situation, I'm not worried about having enough for today. I'm worried about never having enough money to retire (ever). While I still have nagging fears about that, I think I need to worry about today and trust that God will take care of 30 years from now. I guess that's easy to say now, but I have a feeling that in the morning I'll still be stressed. God help me.

Summer cleaning

I just finished cleaning (I use that word loosely) my office. I really just picked it up. BUt I work in the back of a trailer that was probably built in the middle of the last century so it never really looks "clean." Oh well. Katie's watching Jack and I feel a little more caught up with things than I have all week. At camp at least. At home . . . it's a totally different story. CLothes waiting to be folded . . . unmade beds . . . unvaccuumed floors . . . a dirty kitchen & bathrooms . . . I'm going to try and stop thinking about it.

I noticed as I was "cleaning" that my calendar was still on May . . . my how time flies. I went through Jack's clothes this week (in all of my spare time) and put away the clothes that no longer fit him. Anything newborn or 3 months that has long legs with feet on the end doesn't even come close to fitting him anymore . . . he's so long! I don't think there's anything that he hasn't worn though. I was worried that we'd have to retire outfits before he even got a chance to wear them. He goes through many outfits a day (usually - there have been a few rare days and nights where he's in the same outfit/sleeper all day/night).

What I didn't anticipate is how many clothes I would go through. Between being spit up on, peed on and occasionally pooped on, I change almost as often as he does. This is not good considering I only have three pair of pants and 5 or 6 shirts that fit. Let's just say I do A LOT of laundry.

I'm tired. Jack's sleeping longer and the nights are a little bit easier, but I'm way more tired that I was two or three weeks ago. I can't figure it out. Maybe because it's Family Camp. Maybe it's just because it's the middle of the summer.

We have something at camp that we call "the summer slump." It's that time in the middle of the summer when everyone gets tired and kind of in a rut. It's the point at which things can start to get better or get A LOT worse. I've seen it go both ways. Family Camp is always a turning point. In light of that, with the help of family, I'm going to try and get a lot of rest this weekend so that I can make the most of the rest of the summer.

I've fallen back into the worry trap that I thought I had climbed out of this year. I'm finding myself worrying about finances a lot. I know that I need to have faith, but balancing the checkbook makes me feel a little like I'm looking at a hungry mob with only five loaves and two fish. Hmmm . . . I'm gonna go pray.

Another one bites the dust . . .

If you'll look back a few blogs, you'll read about everything in our house that has just decided not to work in the last month or two. This morning, the saga continued.

We have no hot water. The 2-year-old hot water heater is broken. Why, God, why?! Plus, I think through a series of really stupid actions on my part, I've broken our clothes dryer. Which isn't a big deal right now anyway because we have no hot water to actually wash our clothes in. We put several hundred dollars into repairs on the explorer a couple of weeks ago and my car wouldn't start this morning and we're pretty sure I'll have to get a new battery. I asked Kyle if he thought the baby would rather sleep in the hot water heater we have to replace, one of the cars we had to fix or the dryer we'll probably have to change out . . . because all of our money is going toward this stuff rather than toward baby stuff.

I guess that's not completely true because my parents did give us money to put toward a crib and we still have that sitting in an envelope waiting for us to choose one. I just hate it that we have to put money into this stuff when we could be putting it toward the baby. We bought a brand new house because we though it would be longer than two years before we'd have to deal with garbage disposals, water heaters and other random appliances breaking. Oh well . . . I'm sure I'm learning something from all of this.

I sit hear complaining, but I really shouldn't. I've been pretty good about not checking my registries daily, but the last couple of days I have. I am floored by how much people have bought for us. It's amazing to know that so many people love us and want to help us with this new little guy.

Speaking of the baby . . . he's getting big. And I can tell he doesn't have a lot of room left in there. I get elbows, knees and feet jabbed into every area of my body. It's funny how I used to think that was so cute. Now I have to have frequent conversations with him where I explain that mom doesn't like getting kicked in the ribs. Somehow, I think he understands me.

So tired . . .

Have you ever had one of those nights where you are so tired, but as soon as your head hits the pillow you're wide awake? I'm having one of those nights. All I can think about is how little money we have, how many bills we have and how we'll never have enough money to retire. Then I wonder if we'll ever have a name that we both like for our baby. Then I'm on to worrying about whether or not we'll have enough quality staff for the summer . . . especially how it will work if we have all new staff with a new baby to care for. I know that if my mom were awake right now, I'd call her and she'd tell me to listen to one of her relaxation MP3s.

Instead, I'm cleaning the tivo of the programs that are building up that I don't have time to watch. Do you think that they'll put the last season of the O.C. on dvd even though they're only airing 8 episodes? I wish they weren't cancelling it.

I'm gonna go try and sleep again.