Hattie at 6 weeks old . . .

. . . weighs 10 lbs, 7 oz and measures 22 1/4 inches.

. . . is finnicky about sleep.  But we're not great about a consistent schedule so that's probably our fault as much as hers.  We're still grasping for routine here.

. . . has not slept a single night away from us.  Her brothers and sister slept in their own rooms from the start, but their rooms were just down the hall from us.  Our bedrooms are a lot more spread out in this house so she sleeps right next to me.  I'm wondering if that's going to come back to bite us.

. . . sleeps well at night (relatively speaking) but has trouble getting back to sleep after she eats.

. . . spends way more time crying for her Mama than her siblings did.  Claire is, well, challenging these days and I often have to put Hattie down to attend to her or her brothers.  It breaks my heart, and usually only lasts for a minute or two, but she'll get so worked up that it sometimes feels like an hour.

. . . has the sweetest smiles.  They just melt my heart.  Sometimes she smiles at me and I wonder if I'll ever be able to put her in a time out.  It just seems impossible.

. . . has her big sister wrapped around her little finger.  Her brothers, too, for that matter.  Every so often, they'll get frustrated when she cries in the car, but for the most part, they're very loving and attentive.  Claire gets the most one on one time with her.  I spend a lot of time protecting her from Claire's love.

. . . seems to poop way more than her siblings.  Maybe it just seems that way, but holy cow.  I feel like I'm constantly changing her diaper.

. . . is always in pajamas.  It's just easier that way now that the weather is cool.  I have some really cute warm weather clothes that she'll never get a chance to wear, and that's a bummer.  I feel bad for not putting her in cute clothes, but that's a lot of work.

. . . had a harder time holding her head up from the beginning.  It's getting better now, but Kyle and I were both a little worried at first because she was a lot "floppier" than the other three.  At her check-up, we found out that her head is the same size as her siblings was, but her height and weight are much smaller.  The doctor said it's probably because her head was so much bigger proportionally, but that she seemed to be developing fine.

. . . does not like tummy time.  Who does, really?

. . . leaves the house every day to go to pick up or drop off siblings, her brothers' games, to the store with mom . . . she's on the go.  She rarely leaves my arms or her car seat though.  It is flu season, after all.

. . . is starting to raise her hands to try and bat at toys dangling above her.  She mostly just lays there and stares at them intensely, though.

Sleep.

Last week, Claire started sleeping 9 - 10 hour stretches, and the boys started sleeping in until 7:30. I honestly feel like a new person.

I thank this weather we're having. Consistent 80 degree highs in March? In Michigan? Unheard of. I'm loving every minute. The 10-day forecast shows a 46-degree high next week and I'm terrified it's going to be the end of this glorious stretch of warmth.

The boys play outside for at least an hour or two every afternoon and I think that, coupled with our "spring forward" have added to their nightly sleep.

And Claire had a stretch over several weeks where she was fussy from 6 - 11 every night. We're not sure what caused it, and in retrospect, I don't think there was any one cause. Last week, I posted about her fussiness on facebook, and within an hour she stopped and hasn't had that evening fussiness since. I've had enough experience to know that just her night-long sleep for 5 nights now doesn't mean it will continue. She could regress at any time. As could the boys.

My post-partum hormones have settled in and I'm in that stage where everything seems worse than it really is. I wouldn't exactly say that I'm depressed . . . just emotional. Added to that is my shoulder pain . . . you know the pain that goes away when I'm pregnant? It's rebounded and it's bad. It's keeping me from exercising as much as I'd like to. With all of the summer weather, I'm lacking clothing that fits . . . which, of course, adds to my emotion.

So, with all of this going on, the warm weather and extra sleep have been good for my mental health.

Kyle isn't coaching baseball this spring, for the first time in the 9 1/2 years that we've been married. I know he misses it, but I'm so grateful. If I were home every night with all three kids on my own, I'd be a mess. So glad to have him home!

Coming soon . . . another big boy bed

The time is coming . . . Ben will soon transition to a big boy bed. We haven't quite figured out when, or what we're going to do, but it'll obviously happen sometime before December.

I feel mildly guilty because I never really finished Ben's nursery. I repainted and bought new bedding, but the wall art I was designing is still sitting in my "to do" folder, untouched for over a year.

With Jack, I was ready to move him to his big boy bed. The last couple of months having him in a crib were a nightmare so I was anxious to move Jack. I'm so hesitant with Ben.

He can climb out of his crib . . . but won't unless someone prods him. And even then, he's hesitant, because really? Why would he when he can just sit in his crib and jabber until someone comes and lifts him out?

Ben sleeps so well. He goes down at night well an he stays in bed well. The thought of moving him out of the crib is killing me because the situation is so ideal right now. Our original plan was to put bunk beds in Jack's room for the two of them, but I'm not feeling confident that Jack can make it down from the top bunk safely when groggy. So we might purchase a toddler Bed until we feel more comfortable with bunks.

The thought of just having this baby sleep in the bassinet in our room for a month or two and leaving Ben in his room for the first few months has crossed my mind, but I think that might make the transition harder later. Moving him in with Jack well in advance of the baby coming might keep Ben from feeling like the baby took his room.

I'm just worried that we'll ruin the great sleeping habits he's got going. I have to admit that I'm a lot more emotional about moving him from crib to bed than I was with Jack.

This age isn't always perfect, but sometimes I wish I could just keep Ben at 23 months old forever.

One of the many reasons my husband is awesome

Kyle took total responsibility for the boys today so that I could get some work done. He's been called to camp and had other interruptions a few times, but I'm so grateful to him for giving me this time.

I'm even more grateful that when I got up with Ben at 7:00, he got up and told me to go back to bed. I slept until 10:00. TEN O' CLOCK! I can literally count on one hand the number of times that I've slept that late since we had children.

I had no idea how much a few extra hours of sleep would help me. My head is clear today. I'm alert. I don't feel sleepy. I'm not irritable. I didn't know how tired I've been until I had those few extra hours.

If only I could find a way to get 10 hours of sleep every night.

Okay . . . back to work.

Big boy bed update

Yep, I was right. He's sleeping. On the floor. Without a diaper on.



But wasn't it kind of him to nicely place his diaper on the dresser instead of leaving it on the floor?

For the first time in weeks . . .

It's 7 AM and Jack is still sleeping. He slept all night. So did Murphy.

And so did we.

It's gonna be a good day.

I wish I got to take two naps a day.

Jack has been sleeping for 40 minutes . . . straight! I have actually had uninterrupted time to accomplish a few things and I'm thrilled. I'm shooting for an hour. I can't imagine what it would be like to have a child that slept for 2+ hours at a time.

Shoot. I hear wailing from the bedroom. It's like he knows when I'm thinking about him or something . . .

I knew it was too good to be possible.

Expensive taste, perhaps?

Jack took two naps yesterday that lasted longer than 1 1/2 hours. This has happened maybe four or five times since he was born. Jack slept 10 hours straight last night. TEN. HOURS. It was the longest he's slept since he was four or five months old.

What made the difference?

Well it's hard to be sure. As Kyle and I tried to think about what (besides teething) had changed about his sleeping environment over the last month, we realized that he was sleeping on a different sheet than he ever had. We have two airplane crib sheets from PBK and two sheets that we received as part of a shower gift. At some point about a month ago, both airplane sheets were spit up on so we used the plain white sheet. As an experiment, Kyle changed the sheets back to his airplane ones and voila! He's sleeping peacefully. Not only that, but he fell asleep on his own last night, for his nap this morning and tonight.

Could his sheets really be the answer to his sleep troubles? This could be the start of some very expensive habits . . .

Side note: My friend Cristi is pregnant with triplets and will be delivering at U of M TOMORROW! It seems like we just found out she's pregnant! As you think of them tomorrow, pray for her, Chad and all three girls!

Sleep in heavenly peace . . .

In the last 6 months, I've learned that there are a lot of hot topics when it comes to raising children . . . breastfeeding, where your child sleeps, when to start solid foods, etc. How you teach your child to sleep through the night is also one of those.

In his early months, Jack had no trouble sleeping. We'd put him down awake and he'd drift off to sleep with no problems. I thought Kyle and I got off easy. We were wrong. A month ago or so this ended. We had to rock him to sleep to get him to bed for naps or for the night. I really didn't mind much. I would guess that in a few years I'll miss being able to do this.

A few weeks ago, it got a lot more difficult. He fought sleep at all costs. We'd start to rock him and he'd arch his back and do everything he could to avoid falling asleep. He wasn't fussy or unhappy. He was tired, but it was a little like he was afraid he'd miss something if he went to sleep. It got really old.

DISCLAIMER: If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know that I've read every baby book there is out there . . . every baby sleep book, breastfeeding book, baby care book, etc. What I've learned is that what "works" for some parents does not work for others and it's up to parents to decide what that is for their child. I really don't think there is any one "sleep system" that is better or worse than another. All I know is what works for us and feels comfortable to us. I knew right from the start that Babywise and Dr. Ferber were not for us. I know people who love those systems and I know people who have had tremendous success with them and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I don't think they're bad, I just knew that it wasn't our style.

However, I was so frustrated with the sleep battle. So, contrary to everything we felt comfortable with, we decided we'd try to let him cry it out. We didn't get very far.

The first night, he let him cry 10 minutes and then went back in to calm him by standing there and talking to him and then leaving. There was no comforting him. I left about a minute later and he was crying harder. About 20 minutes in, he was gagging because he had been crying so hard and was gasping for air. I went in and picked him up. It took more than an hour to calm him down.

The next night we made it about 10 minutes before he started choking and gagging.

The following days, Jack was clinging and fussy. He was not at all like himself and I couldn't help but think that it was because of the two traumatic nights we had before. During the days following those nights, he'd start to get a look of panic every time we walked into his bedroom and would wrap his arms tightly around our necks when we'd even step foot near his crib. It took us about two weeks to earn back his trust. He still has a little bit of trouble going down at night, but he's happier and more independent during the day. I know some would say that we didn't try it long enough, but I no longer have interest in trying it anymore. And it takes us a lot less time to get him down to bed now then it did to put him down, let him cry and then spend a couple of hours calming him down.

Like I said, I know that "crying it out" works for a lot of people and I'm so glad for parents who have success with it. I think the moral of my story is to not ignore your parental instincts about what is right for your child. I wish I hadn't.

A great way to start the morning

Jack slept almost 10 hours last night! Can you believe it? 10 hours! I woke up this morning and hit Kyle and said, "Did we turn the monitor off again?" But it was on.

I walked into his room to make sure he was ok and he was just wide eyed and looking around. I looked at him and said, "Good morning, Jack." And he just flashed me a big grin. What a great start to the morning.

Unfit parents

So, I feel a little unfit to be a parent today. Here's why:

We went to bed around 10:30 last night. That's way early for us in the summer so we were really excited. When I woke up this morning, I looked at the clock and it said 6:48 (which was actually 6:28). "Wow, he slept a REALLY long time," I thought with pride. But I was a little suspicious, so I asked Kyle to check on him. Kyle got up, opened the bedroom door and we heard him crying. We both thought we had turned the monitor on, but it seems that one of us turned it on and the other actually turned it off. I sprinted down the hall and picked him up and he didn't seem like he had been crying that long. But chances are that he woke up in the middle of the night and cried himself back to sleep . . . hungry and alone.

He's been sleeping all day, so I'm pretty sure he was awake a lot last night. I felt (and still feel) horrible. I know he has no memory of it, but I will.

I guess if it's the worst thing we do, we'll be lucky. But you know we will both triple check the monitor tonight.

Sleep in heavenly peace . . .

I know that I've mentioned this in a previous post, but it warrants being mentioned again. Jack slept 8 1/2 hours two nights ago. Now, if you read the post from a day or two ago, you'll know that due to unfortunate circumstances, I didn't get that much sleep. Nonetheless, I was very excited. The last two nights it's been the typical 5 - 6 hours, but we're not complaining.

The other "sleep breakthrough" that we had this week was that both Tuesday and Wednesday night, I put Jack's pajamas on, rocked him for 5 minutes and put him in his crib while he was still awake and he drifted off to sleep on his own. No "crying-it-out" necessary (I knew I liked that Dr. Sears). The nights since then he's fallen asleep while rocking or in the car so we haven't had a chance to try it again, but I'm hoping that it wasn't just a fluke. I'm not naive enough to think that it will always be that easy, but I feel like we're getting somewhere.

I guess it's true that we've rarely had a really hard time putting him to bed. There have been a few cranky nights that have taken quite a bit of rocking (and bouncing on the exercise ball) but rarely does it take more than 1/2 hour (but of course the nights it does take longer are the nights when we have guests or other things we'd like to be able to do). If we start to get him ready when we start to see that he's tired, he does much better than when we let him get all the way to the fussy stage.

This week is a really crazy one. We have two simultaneous camps and ALL of our staff is counseling. We have a couple of people who are helping out, but less help always equals way crazy. Always. Hopefully, Jack will give us more sleep this week!

Milk Duds

If you've been following my blog, you'll know that I've been breastfeeding Jack. You'll also know that Jack likes it, but I have not always been a huge fan of it. It hurt, it was uncomfortable and I was miserable everytime I could tell he was getting hungry. Along with all of that, I felt like my breasts were the size of Rhode Island (which I realize is the smallest of all the states, but is still pretty big when you're comparing them to your breasts). My original goal was to breastfeed for a year, but I was beginning to feel like I wasn't sure that I could make it to two months.

Over the last week I realized that I had become pretty adjusted to it. I was kind of getting the hang of things and found myself looking forward to him getting hungry because in the midst of the busy day, I knew I'd have some one on one time with him. I had 1/2 an e-mail composed and saved in my "Drafts" folder on outlook to a friend of mine who had encouraged me to stick with it. It was just telling her how much better it had become . . . and that was just enough to tempt fate.

I developed a blocked milk duct and a blocked milk pore with a nice little blister over it. I've had numerous blisters before, but this one hurt a whole heck of a lot worse. I won't got into any more details than this other than to say it was (and still is) painful and uncomfortable. Breastfeeding once again has become miserable.

The real kicker is that Jack slept for 8 1/2 HOURS last night! That was a major event for us. It meant that we would have slept 8 1/2 hours last night too if it weren't for the fact that I was constantly rotating between heating packs, hot showers, pumping and warm baths. from about 4 AM on trying to get this blocked duct . . . well, unblocked.

On top of all of this, I've had a really bad cold involving congestion, coughing and a sore throat as well as a fairly painful canker sore. When it rains, it pours.

The funniest part of this whole story (if there can be a funny part) was when Debbie overheard me talking to the camp nurse about these issues. She couldn't figure out what it meant for me to have "blocked Milk Duds" rather than "ducts." At least there's something to laugh about.

Exercise

I've had an exercise ball for years. I think Kyle got it for me as a gift when we were first married (and I was ok with getting a piece of exercise equipment as a gift because he knew I wanted one). You know what I'm talking about, right? One of those oversize pink rubber balls that you can sit on and lay on in order to make exercise more challenging and "fun?" Up until last night, ours has only been used for sitting on to play video games. I don't know . . . maybe it seems that video games are "healthier" if we sat on an exercise ball while we play them. Last night, it became the baby soother. Jack loved it when I held him and bounced him on it. Plus, his fussiness ceased. Score one for mom.

Things were pretty good all around last night. When he fell asleep after the exercise ball, I put him down in his crib because I had some things to do in the bedroom where his bassinet is. He slept in there until Kyle and I were ready to go to bed. (Side note: Murphy chewed a hole in our Pottery Barn Kids boppy cover and I'm NOT HAPPY) We went to bed without him in our room and it was rough on both of us. I was surprised that Kyle had a hard time with it too. However, as soon as our heads hit the pillow, we heard his cry over the monitor.

Kyle got him up and changed his diaper and sat down to try and feed him the bottle I had made up. Up until this point, he wouldn't take a bottle (I was beginning to think that the breast pump was a waste of money), but this night was different. But Kyle sat down with it and he took it likeit came naturally to him. He kind of looked at Kyle as if to say, "I said I'd do it when I was ready." I guess he's grown up a little in the past 48 hours.

When Kyle put him in his bassinet after the bottle, he was still awake. I thought for sure that he would start crying. But he just drifted off to sleep on his own. That has never happened before. We think (don't laugh) that he might have liked the sound of the breast pump because when I turned it off the first time he kind of stirred until I turned it back on.

In other news, Kyle found out today that he won't be coaching JV basketball again this year. They're looking for someone with more high school coaching experience and since last year was his only expeience coaching high school basketball, that kind of counts him out. He's a little disappointed, but only because they've known for a couple of months that they wanted someone else and hadn't told him. To be honest, we're not all that bummed about the whole thing. We're excited to have that 10 weeks back . . . excited that he doesn't have to deal with frustrating parents . . . even more excited that he doesn't have to deal with, well, other people involved. In fact, I was secretly hoping he would decide not to do it anyway. However, we're still trying to figure out where that money will come from. It wasn't enough to make us rich, but was just enough to make losing it hurt. We've got a lot of extra bills that start in November. I wish he could still coach 7th or 8th grade basketball. It was so much easier and really not much less pay. I guess this is the part where we trust God to provide. He always does and surprisingly, I'm not that worried about it. Maybe becaus it's still so far off. Or maybe it's plain old peace.

Alright, Jack's calling. So is Kyle. Gotta go.

Sleepless

I can honestly say that I can't wait to have a baby here to wake me up several times a night. Why? Because being woken up means that I was sleeping in the first place . . . which is something that is not happening now thanks to the carpal tunnel claw. At this point, I would pay good money if there were something that could take the numbness and throbbing away.

I thought maybe it would happen last night. Katie (my sister-in-law) and I walked from the camp back to her parent's house and then I started having pains a few hours later . . . not really contractions, but definite pains. Unfortunately, they stopped.

I'm so cranky right now due to my lack of sleep. I'm about ready to open the door, let Murphy run out and pray that she doesn't find her way home.

Anyway, here's something I read this morning out of Romans (the Message version) that I really like and have decided to use for staff training . . . well, staff training next year when I don't have a newborn:

"If you're a hard worker and do a good job, you deserve your pay; we don't call your wages a gift. But if you see that the job is too big for you, that it's something only God can do, and you trust him to do it—you could never do it for yourself no matter how hard and long you worked—well, that trusting-him-to-do-it is what gets you set right with God, by God. Sheer gift."

As frustrating as it may be, my hope is that my life is full of jobs that are too big for me that I could never do by myself no matter what. I have a feeling the biggest one of those jobs is less than a week away from arrival.

The sermon series at our church for the month of May is called "Building a kingdom household." I know that the theme wasn't picked out exclusively for Kyle and I but it's been so encouraging and challenging during this last month of pregnancy as we think about how we want to start this family off right and our responsibility as parents. You can download the sermons here: http://www.springarborfm.org/media_sermon_archives/ I heard the ones on May 13 and may 27, but not the 20th (though I'm sure it was just as good).

How much longer?

Just when I think I can't possibly feel any less in my hands than I do know, they go a little number. I don't think I slept for more than 10 - 20 minutes at a time last night because of the throbbing and tingling. Ice doesn't help. Heat doesn't help. When I use google to try and find information on carpal tunnel syndrome relief, all of the websites just allude to the fact that it goes away after delivery. That's great, but I still have 6 weeks of misery. My OB told me to take Unisom to help me sleep at night. I guess I'll try that, but it's not going to help me function during the day. Typing takes twice as long. Picking up anything between my right thumb and index finger is getting difficult. Gripping anything (like the glass of water that I just dumped down the front of my shirt) is proving to be a challenge.

Needless to say, with my lack of sleep, it's been an emotional day.

I just called the pediatrician's office that I was set on sending the baby to after he's born and was informed that he isn't accepting new patients right now. After crying about it for 15 minutes, an overhwhelming feeling of panic began to sink in. As I began searching for info on pediatricians in Jackson, I ran across information on the importance getting your finances in order before your baby is born. I cried again. I'm avoiding all mirrors today because I know that it will result in even more tears.

Don't get me wrong . . . I'm really excited about this baby and I love him and I would go through 10 times the stuff that I'm dealing with now to have him. I just feel miserable right now. I know a lot of people have much harder pregnancies than I do so I shouldn't complain. I'm just really ready for the pregnancy to be over and the parenting to begin. Someone might have to remind me that I said that in about 2-3 months.

Another sleepless night

Somewhere between balancing the checkbook and being defeated at minesweeper, the clock struck 3 AM. Why am I still awake? Partially because of the nasty cough I have. Partially because I'm so hungry but I know if I eat I'll have heartburn that keeps me awake more than the hunger does. And partially because I just can't get comfortable.

It is so cold outside that I can hardly stand it. I wanted winter weather for our youth camps, but this is just outrageous. School was canceled two days in a row because of the cold temperatures. On Monday, Kyle didn't have practice because of school being canceled so we did a little shopping (we bought our crib set from Pottery Barn Kids), finally finished our registries (for now at least) and went out to lunch (at Red Robin . . . which was one of the best dining experiences I've had). It was a pretty good day. Oh, and I think we finally have decided on a name . . . at least tentatively. But it's top secret.

We have another doctor's appointment tomorrow. I'm not fearing this one like I have all of the others. I think I'm beginning to calm down and be a little more positive. I was thinking back to my first appointment, and I don't think I ever blogged about the nurse we saw that day. We spent a good amount of time with the doctor, but afterward, we were left with a nurse to go over . . . well, not much of anything. We spent most of the time with her watching her fumble around with the computer not knowing what she was doing. We needed to change our phone number in the information and that took her about 15 minutes. At the end of a very tedious session with her, I asked her about DHA supplements. I had been taking them at the advice of my pharmacist (who we got to know well over the summer). I had forgotten to ask the doctor about them, so I thought I'd see what she knew. Her first response was, "You don't need DEA supplements. THat's ridiculous." DEA? No. It's DHA. SO, I corrected her and she looked confused . . . like she had never heard of it before. Let me back up and say that I had already done my research. WebMD called DHA, Calcium and Folic Acid the "Big Three" that pregnant women need. And she had NEVER heard of DHA supplements but continued to tell me that they were a waste of money.

So, I asked her if I could speak to the doctor once more before we left just to see what she thought. She left the room for about 20 seconds and came back in and said she talked to the doctor and she said DHA supplements were a waste of money. WOw. That was fast. Then, she said, "Since you seem to be so concerned with the health of your baby, here's a pamphlet that might interest you." First, who isn't concerned with the health of their unborn child? Second, the pamphlet was on the dangers of using illegal drugs during pregnancy! WHat about me made her think that illegal drugs might be a problem for me? Kyle said she was probably the one using the illegal drugs.

Alright, there's more I want to write, but my stomach's getting the best of me. I'm going to get a snack.

Oh, and in case you're wondering . . . whether they're a waste of money or not, I'm still taking the DHA supplements.

So tired . . .

Have you ever had one of those nights where you are so tired, but as soon as your head hits the pillow you're wide awake? I'm having one of those nights. All I can think about is how little money we have, how many bills we have and how we'll never have enough money to retire. Then I wonder if we'll ever have a name that we both like for our baby. Then I'm on to worrying about whether or not we'll have enough quality staff for the summer . . . especially how it will work if we have all new staff with a new baby to care for. I know that if my mom were awake right now, I'd call her and she'd tell me to listen to one of her relaxation MP3s.

Instead, I'm cleaning the tivo of the programs that are building up that I don't have time to watch. Do you think that they'll put the last season of the O.C. on dvd even though they're only airing 8 episodes? I wish they weren't cancelling it.

I'm gonna go try and sleep again.

Meh . . .

The subject line is the sound I would make if you asked me how my day was today. It really wasn't that great. First of all, taking down the Christmas decorations is not fun. It's downright depressing. As I was trying to take the lights down from the CHristmas tree (an activity that is making me strongly consider buying a pre-lit tree for next year) there was one string of lights that was caught tightly on a branch. As I struggled with it, I stood up quickly from my hunched over position and wacked my head hard on the mantle. My head is still sore and it throbs whenever I stand up.

My back is KILLING me, and of course I didn't go to the chiropractor in 2006 when my insurance deductible had already been met. I decided to wait until 2007 when I have to pay full price until I meet the million dollar deductible. Ok, it's not that much, but some days it feels like it. And my heartburn is awful. I've never had heartburn so bad that I cringe in pain, but I do now. I need to buy stock in Tums. In addition, I feel like I've gained about 100 pounds and my face is breaking out like I have never seen before. I guess this is payback for my clear skin in jr. high and high school. Pretty much, I feel like an 80 year old pregnant woman.

Plus, I haven't felt the baby move at all yeseterday or today. I know that it's uncommon at this point for me to be feeling him every day but he moved so much over Christmas break that it scares me that he's not anymore.

Speaking of scary, I had awful nightmares the last two nights. I read last week that hormones can make you have crazy dreams when you're pregnant. I don't remember the two I had last night (and luckily Kyle doesn't remember me waking him up after each of them because I was too scared to be the only one awake), but the one the night before was disturbing. I dreamed that my baby could walk and talk and had the face of Arvin Sloane (probably thanks to my Alias Season 5 marathon over Christmas break) and was trying to kill me. So I was trying to take care of him without him knowing that I was there so that he wouldn't be able to "get me." It sounds ridiculous now, but I was really scared in my dream. I really hope that my dreams aren't prophetic . . . about the killing thing or about the looking like Arvin Sloane thing.

Plus, I balanced the checkbook and worked on my thesis today . . . two things which are always depressing.

I know I'm complaining a lot, but it's just been one of those days. And if I'm not free to complain on my own blog, then where can I do it? Right?

12:24 AM

It's 12:24 AM and I cannot sleep. I've been tossing and turning and I'm surprised the the light from my laptop and the sound of me hitting the keys on the keyboard hasn't woken Kyle up yet!

We celebrated our 4th anniversary on Thursday. In some ways it feels like it's been a lot longer than four years . . . but in other ways I can't believe that it's ALREADY four years. We had a portion of a gift certificate to Darrel's so we used that for dinner and used a portion of a movie gift certificate to go see the Nativity Story. It was a decent movie . . . not as lame as I was worried it might be. It held a little more true to the nativity "stories" we've always been told than it did to historical accuracy, but I was impressed at how well-made it was. It was a nice addition to the Christmas season.

I've got some more Christmas shopping to do and stores are running out of the things I'm looking for. Kyle and I went to four stores looking for one gift in particular today.

Kyle and I decided just to do stockings for each other for Christmas again this year. I think I might like to make that a "family tradition." When I was growing up, Christmas was all about what gifts and how many gifts I would get. I'm a little embarrassed now to think about how I acted if I got something I didn't like. I'd like to keep getting Christmas gifts low-key and place the emphasis on what we give. Maybe I'll read this five years ago and think, "yeah, right."