September 4, 2009

Dear Jack, Month 27

Dear Jack,

A week or two ago, you looked up at me and said, "Mama, after school, I'm gonna go to college like Emily." I laughed and told you that I hope you're right and to start saving your money because college is expensive. But I spent the rest of that day thinking about how the day that you leave home will be here all too soon. It'll be one of life's biggest changes.

Life is full of changes. We just gave up our dog . . . that's been a big change. You haven't quite figured out yet that she's not coming back. It breaks my heart every time you ask when she's coming home.

But One of the biggest changes of your life thus far will be coming in the next few weeks.
There's a quote from a movie called You've Got Mail that says, "People are always telling you that change is a good thing, but what they're really saying is that something that you didn't want to happen just happened." Over the next few weeks, our lives are going to change dramatically and it WILL be a good thing. I'm 100% sure of it. But you might just feel a little bit like something that you didn't want to happen just happened. Our family of three is going to multiply. We'll become a family of four.

You're in a little bit of denial because when we talk about baby brother, you often say, "No baby brother. No little feet. No little hands." You've started telling us that you want to "be a baby more, instead of a big brother" and that you "don't want to be a big boy." You've become more cuddly and kissy and want to snuggle all the time. You sense the coming change.

I know that you'll be excited when he arrives and that you'll love him and be an incredible big brother. I know that this new relationship that will begin to develop in a few weeks will be one that you'll cherish your whole life. But I also know that there might be a bit of a rough road ahead of us as you try and figure it all out. And that's ok. Take your time.

I'm incredibly excited to meet your baby brother but at the same time, I feel a little bit like I'm mourning the loss of what we have right now. I realize that you won't have any recollection of what life was like when it was just the three of us. You'll never remember what it was like to have your dad and I all to yourself. Don't get me wrong . . . I'm not worried that it won't get better. The special bond that the three of us share will get a little bigger to include your baby brother and our family will become even more amazing . . . I'm certain of it.

But before that happens, what I want you to know is that these last 27 months have been so incredibly special to me. And that doesn't even begin to accurately describe how I feel. This time we've had has changed me and shaped me as much as it has you.

YOU, my sweet boy, are my firstborn . . . the one who made me a mother. You brought out parts of me that I never knew existed. You turned our world upside down . . . for the better. Life
will never be the same as it was before you entered our lives. You have been one of our greatest joys and one of God's most profound tools in molding your Dad and I.

When we watch tv together, and we hit the hot dog dance on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or the curtain call on Little Einsteins, you immediately start crying and saying, "It's over, mama! It's over!" Even with 5 minutes left in the show, you see that the end is near and won't even enjoy the last moments because you know that the show will soon end and be erased from the tivo forever.

I do this with things in life too, Jack. But I don't want to get so sad about the end of this stage of life that I don't enjoy the last few weeks, or that I don't look forward to the excitement of what's ahead. So, I'm going to spend whatever time we have before baby brother arrives enjoying you and getting ready for the upcoming changes!

I love you even more than I did on the day you were born. Being a big boy and having a little brother will never change that.




Rene W said...

This is a beautiful letter to your son. What a wonderful gift to him. He will cherish it when he is old and gray. Ya done good.

Maybe you've heard this advice but one of the best things I did when I had my second child was have a wrapped present at the hospital. I gave it to my firstborn and said it was a gift from her new brother as a congratulations for being a big sister. Five years have passed and she still references that gift. It really meant something to her.

Hope this helps and good luck with the delivery.

Jeanette said...

Stop with the posts that make me weep. I think this is one of the best letters you've written to him. You're such a good mama.

P.S. Love that quote from YGM.

Sarah said...

I think I know Baby #2's name :) yep, I do :) But I won't write it, b/c ...well, b/c I don't want you to have to react one way or the other. But I have a SOLID guess now :) Anyway, the end of your note to Jack made me get all choked up....I guess being a new mom, I'm relating more to your feelings toward your son now. Awwww. And BTW, I love the prego family pics in this post!

Kristyw905 said...

Wow .. that is exactly how I felt when baby #2 was on the way but I could not have stated it as well! I wasn't sure I was ready to give up having just you,and when we tried to get pregnant with Karina, I never even thought about what we would be giving up. As you stated so well, you were what made dad and I parents, and we reveled in that for 22 months; but, having baby #2, then baby #3 made us a family!