May 29, 2009

Not one of my finer moments

Thursday night was a bad night. We had issues with bedtime . . . more issues with him not staying in his crib.

I'm not proud of how I handled it. I yelled at him. I yelled at my two year old. At one point, he said, "Mommy is so sad." And I replied, "No, Jack, mommy is very angry because you won't obey." I was not gentle. I was not kind. It was not one of my finer moments.

The worst part was on Friday morning. when I got him out of bed. I apologized for yelling at him and he said, "Mommy's not sad anymore?"

"No, I'm not sad" I replied.

Then he asked, "Does Mommy like Jack?"

Ugh. Of course I do. It kills me to think that I ever made him question how I felt about HIM. He needs to know when I'm displeased with his behavior, but I never want him to think I don't love him. I hugged him until he wouldn't let me anymore.

This week was a rough week. It was just stressful and busy. Jack's become a pro at unlocking and opening our glass sliding door to our deck . . . thus letting Murphy escape countless times.

At one point after I got back from chasing her, I was tired and frustrated and just sat on the couch and cried for a few minutes.

Jack climbed up next to me and asked, "You ok, Mama?"

"Yes, I'm fine."

"You have tears. You crying."

"I know . . . I'm sorry buddy . . . I'm just frustrated with Murphy."

"You ok . . . I so proud of you."

How could I have ever yelled at a boy that sweet?

Staff training starts tomorrow . . . which means starting tomorrow night, my life is no longer my own. We're so lucky because we have a great babysitter for Jack, and she'll watch him where we work every day so we'll get to see him quite a bit. We're leaving Jack with Kyle's parents when we go on our campout Wednesday - Friday . . . I don't question whether or not he'll have fun or be well cared for. I do question whether or not I'll go crazy wondering how he is and what he's doing.


Anonymous said...

Trust me - you're not the first mom who's yelled and then felt bad. I've done it several times and always swear I won't do it again. And much of the time, I don't...but it does still happen now and again.

I've heard about these little alarms (at Walgreens, maybe?)that you can put at the top of the door that goes off to let you know if your kid has opened the door - just an idea so Jack doesn't go wondering off with Murphy sometime! I think I'm going to have to get one with the way Jack Henry is about things.

Hope this week goes well.

ann said...

Are you sure this camping thing is a good idea? I remember being 22 or 23 weeks along, and that's about the last thing I wanted to do...

Jeni said...

I've been there. Especially during this pregnancy. I had never broken down before in front of Skyler until then. It's not a regular occurrence, but the joint stresses of a two year old and pregnancy can push you over the edge.