How it all went down

I'm sitting here with Ben sleeping in his sling against my chest and Jack napping in his room and I'm keenly aware of how blessed we are. I'm tired. I'm still in a little bit of pain. I'm a little overwhelmed at the thought of having two kids, owning and running a small business and having a full time job. But more than anything, I'm thankful.

This account is LONG. But it's for me. And hopefully Ben someday. I want to remember every detail and it's already started to fade. And I want him to know that we were beyond excited on the day he arrived. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I don't have the energy to re-read everything that I wrote below, so please excuse the typos and poor grammar that you might see along the way.

I honestly could not have asked for a better labor and delivery than I had with Ben. I still CANNOT believe I went into labor on my own. To be even more honest, I can't believe we got pregnant on our own at all! I wonder if I'll ever stop being amazed at that.

Anyway, here's how it all went down . . .

Tuesday, September 22

9 AM - Noon
I worked all morning at camp. I felt so tired and a little nauseous. I was having these pesky gas pains on and off. It had not even occurred to me at any point during the morning that I was having contractions. Not even for a minute.

Noon
I went to pick up Jack who was with Kelsey at home. They were playing outside, and I took Jack into the house to change his shoes and to respond to a few e-mails. While I was sitting there at the computer, it hit me that I had been having these waves of "gas pains" periodically throughout the morning. But honestly, I knew that any thoughts of these being contractions were merely wishful thinking.

12:50 PM
Jack and I met Kyle at camp for lunch. When he came to help me get Jack out of the car for lunch, I asked him, "Do you have everything done for the weekend that you need to get done? I'm thinking you should try and finish up today instead of planning on working on it tomorrow."

As the words left my mouth, I realized how ridiculous I sounded. I wasn't going to go into labor on my own. That just doesn't happen to me. My body doesn't do things it should do naturally. Later, Kyle told me he was thinking the same thing. We've learned to be skeptical of anything that comes easily or naturally, I suppose.

During lunch, I felt these pains twice more, but they weren't bad enough that anyone really knew I was having them.

2:00 PM
We took Jack home for his nap. Kyle put him down so that I could take a nap. I laid down and rested for about 30 minutes and felt nothing. Kyle went back to camp to work, and I went to work as I normally do from home every afternoon. I felt nothing else. I went to the bathroom and soon after, well . . . um, confirmed that it was just gas. I think I even blogged that night that I thought I was in labor, but I wasn't.

5:30 PM
Kyle came home and we decided that we were going to get pumpkins for our front porch and then grab dinner at the Beach Bar. We bought $30+ worth of pumpkins (not even kidding . . . I went a little overboard) and headed to the Beach Bar. It was CLOSED and we had to settle for McDonalds. I was so bummed. I kept having little twinges, but didn't think it amounted to anything.

In retrospect, I feel a little dumb for not realizing it sooner because by this point, the "gas pains" were enough to make me have to stop and breathe through them.

8:30 PM
We returned home and Kyle put Jack to bed and I went to work . Even though I knew I wasn't in labor, I had it in the back of my head that I needed to get EVERYTHING done just in case. I eventually came up to bed and couldn't fall to sleep. So, I decided that if I couldn't sleep, I might as well get stuff done. In retrospect, I think my nesting instinct was kicking it in to high gear, because I was picking everything up, cleaning, starting laundry, etc.

Wednesday, September 23

2:00 AM
It was at this point that I started timing what I was realizing were, in fact, contractions. I almost woke Kyle up, because they were starting to get really painful but I thought it was silly for both of us to be up. I downloaded an iphone app to help me time them. It was really handy. They were about 8 - 12 minutes apart. I figured they'd probably be that far apart until Thursday night when I was scheduled to be induced.

I was up editing pictures, working on cards, etc. until about 3:30, when I finally came up and went to bed.

6:30 AM
I slept for three hours until Jack woke us up. The contractions were getting MUCH stronger, but were still about 8 - 10 minutes apart. I called triage just to let them know and the midwife said to call when they were about 5 minutes apart. Jodi was scheduled to watch Jack that morning, so we decided to go into work.

8:30 AM
About a half hour before Jodi came, the contractions really intensified. So, we decided to pack up our bags and get breakfast and then head to Ann Arbor and shop until they were close enough to go to the hospital. We live an hour from the hospital, so we didn't want to be too far away if they started to get worse. At this point, I still honestly thought we'd come home that night because I wouldn't make any progress.

I was in total denial.

9:10 AM
We went to camp to take care of a few things and I stayed in the car because the contractions were getting so strong. This is the point that we probably should have headed right to the hospital.

10:00 AM
We went to Bob Evans for breakfast and I asked to be seated far away from people. So, so glad I did. As we were waiting to have our order taken, the contractions kicked up a notch. It was painful, but the cinnamon stuffed pancakes were worth it. Seriously.

11:00 AM
Our plan was to head to Target next, but as we were leaving, I sat down on a bench while I was waiting for Kyle to come out of the bathroom and was kind of writhing in pain. When he came out, I made the pronouncement: "It's time."

The contractions were about 5 minutes apart at this point. We called triage and began the longest drive of my life. I will never drive to Ann Arbor again without thinking about that trip. Lucky for us, Kyle got behind a police car who was going at a good pace and followed him most of the way. We made it there faster than usual.

Noon
When we got there, I was having contractions every 2 - 3 minutes. Just walking started a contraction. I don't know why we chose to just park in the parking structure, but we did. I think I think I just wanted to be able to use the "laboring mother" parking spaces that I had envied for so long. The walk through the lobby to the elevator was painful and embarrassing. Let's just say the people were staring at the woman who was hunched over every few steps. I refused the wheelchair, but Kyle finally insisted. By the time we got to triage, I just braced myself on a chair for a minute and they got me back to a room pretty quickly. I changed and they checked me and announced, "You're at 8."

Um, excuse me? 8? As in 2 cm from completely dilated? I had still been in total denial. I thought for sure that they'd tell me that I was at 1 or 2 and I had a long road ahead of me.

12:30 PM
By this time, the contractions were horrible. Awful. Worse than I remember with Jack. Writhing is the only word to describe my condition. They wheeled my bed from triage into a room and it got worse. And worse. And worse. In retrospect, I'm embarrassed. I wasn't mean or vulgar or anything. But I was loud. It was so, so bad. It turns out that natural contractions are not, in fact, less intense than those with pitocin. More gradual, maybe. But they were WAY worse this time around.

12:50 PM
Any question I had about whether or not to have an epidural was erased from my mind. It was no longer an option. It was necessary. I'm not even sure what I would have done without it. As soon as I had it, my blood pressure was no longer in the dangerous range, and I was able to concentrate a little better on the task ahead of me. We got to the hospital at noon or so and I think Ben would have arrived at about 1:00 without the epidural. I felt a little bit guilty about hindering that but it turned out for the best. Had I started pushing and had him at 1:00, I wouldn't have had the antibiotics for GBS in my system long enough and it might have resulted in Ben having to be in observation in the NICU for his first 8 - 12 hours. Which would have been awful.

The anesthesiologists were fantastic. So patient and so comforting. It was the worst pain of my life and they were really good about helping me through it while they got everything set up. The nurses and midwives were fantastic too. I can't say enough about them.

Once the epidural took effect, I was able to rest and breathe through the contractions. I think my exact words to the nurses were, "See, I'm a perfectly lovely person when I'm not in excruciating pain." My water broke shortly after I had the epidural. And, in my defense, it does feel exactly like wetting the bed.

1:00 PM
The doctor who was supposed to deliver Ben was one that I had encountered on the day I was hospitalized because of my fall in July. I LOVE HER! I remember telling Kyle that I would love for her to be around to deliver my baby. But because he didn't come as quickly as we had anticipated, she wasn't there when he arrived. But she did check back in on us three times over the next two days.

3:00 PM
We had called our families to let them know that the baby would be here at any time, because I was completely dilated. But the epidural slowed things down and they made it before he was born. My parents came up, and my mother-in-law brought Jack up at about 3:00. Jack was a little hesitant and kept pointing at things and asking, "Whats that for?"

4:00 PM
The nurse came into to check me, so our families left the room. I started to feel a stronger urge to push and they had me do a "practice push" at about 4:15. Turns out, it was pretty effective, because they called for the doctor right away and everything started getting really busy in the room. I started really pushing at about 4:25.

4:31 PM
Bennett was born! I felt the urge to push, but not a ton of pain. Even with the horrible contractions, I couldn't have asked for a more perfect labor and delivery. It was everything I had hoped it would be.

They put him right on my chest and my emotions overflowed. He was this perfect, messy little boy and I just fell in love with him right away . . . even though he proceeded to poop on me three times over the next 30 minutes. By looking at him, I didn't think he was as big as Jack was, but he was almost a pound bigger and an inch longer . . . 9 pounds, 6 ounces and 23 inches long. Some people have made a big deal about him delivering a baby who's over 9 pounds, but honestly, I don't think there can be that much difference in delivering an 8 1/2 pound baby than a 9 1/2 pound baby. Pushing a baby out is pushing a baby out no matter how big he is, right?

Ben cried. And cried. And cried. This was WAY different than it was with Jack and I was worried that there might be something wrong. And if he hadn't been crying, I'm sure I would have found something else to worry about. But he was healthy and perfect in every way.

Thursday, September 24 - Friday September 25

Jack's reaction was lukewarmon Wednesday and when he came back on Thursday, he wasn't really any better. He had a lot of questions for my mother-in-law on the way home about when Kyle and I were coming home and when baby brother would go back in mommy's tummy. He cried whenever he heard Ben cried. And then I cried whenever I heard Jack cry. It was rough. I felt like we hadn't prepared Jack enough for what would happen, but I'm not sure anything would have. By the time he left on Thursday, he was willing to hug and kiss his baby brother. This calmed my nerves quite a bit.

Because I was GBS positive, we had to spend an extra 12 hours at the hospital for Ben to be monitored. Which meant an overnight stay in a nesting room. We call our 12 hours in the nesting room with Jack the worst 12 hours of our life. It wasn't fun this time either, but at least we knew what to expect. And, I'll be honest . . . Thursday night television helped ease the pain a little. Ben started nursing and nursed well right from the start. That night in the nesting room, he basically nursed ALL NIGHT LONG. Ouch.

We were able to come home Friday morning. We picked Jack up at Kyle's parents house and started our life as a family of four. The last few days have been a roller coaster, for sure. I'll update on those more later. And I'll include more pictures.

Here area couple of snapshots from the day he was born.

And baby makes four . . .

He's here!

Bennett Nelson Luke arrived safe and sound at 4:31 PM today. He weighs 9 pounds, 6 ounces and is 23 inches long.

Pictures and details are forthcoming, of course. But we're all healthy and happy and Kyle and I couldn't be more thrilled to have another perfect boy.

Nine days past . . .

Is it funny to anyone else that I'm NINE DAYS PAST DUE? I woke up laughing about it this morning. I'm having a much better day today than I did on Sunday and Monday! I slept REALLY well last night. From 11:30ish until 6:30ish and I only remember waking up twice, but I was able to fall back to sleep right away. Thanks for everyone's encouragement yesterday. It's much appreciated.

A little bit earlier today, I started having pains and thought that it might be time. But it wasn't.

We celebrated summer birthdays with Kyle's family over the weekend and I asked for gift cards and gift certificates to restaurants that I could use after the baby's born so that I don't have to cook. BEST. IDEA. EVER. It's difficult, though, to not want to use one of them tonight. For some reason, I thought we had dinner at camp every night this week, but tonight's the only night we don't. Oh well. I can live through one night of cooking at home. Maybe. Or maybe we'll go to the Beach Bar. I asked Jack what he wants for dinner and he replied, "pumpkins." Which is different than his usual response of "Peanut butter & jelly and french fries."

By the way, a couple of my cards will be featured on http://www.myhandmaderegistry.com for a couple of days. I happened to find a couple of fun things on there for the baby, too!

What a difference a few days can make . . .

I had totally forgotten. Until now . . .

When I was 38 - 39 weeks pregnant, I kept thinking to myself, "Wow . . . this pregnancy is so much easier than it was with Jack. I'm relatively comfortable. I'm feeling ok. I remember being a lot more miserable at the end with Jack. Why is it that I had such a hard time at the end of my pregnancy with Jack? This isn't that bad. It's not super comfortable, but it's not unbearable."

And if I had delivered at 38 or 39 weeks . . . I probably would have continued to think that. Shoot, even right at 40 weeks, I was still thinking about how much easier it was this time around.

But once I hit passed the 40 week mark, everything kind of started to head downhill fast. I remembered what it's like to be more than 40 weeks pregnant. If you've ever had the honor of going this far, you'll understand. It's only been a week, but it's been a LONG. WEEK. How is it that just a few days can make such a drastic difference?

Physically, I'm wiped out. Because I'm not only carrying a baby, but I've been doing it for more than FORTY WEEKS. I've been pregnant for the entirety of 2009. I no longer sleep more than 1 1/2 - 2 hours at a time . . . but I actually consider it a success if I sleep more than an hour. I have bad headaches. The baby feels like he's about to split my belly right in half because there is NO. MORE. ROOM. My feet and hands are numb (though this continues to be better than it was with Jack). It's just not fun.

Emotionally, I'm spent. I'm in this constant state of wondering if he'll come on his own or if I'll have to go in Thursday night. I'm disappointed that he didn't come when he was "supposed" to. I keep losing my patience with Jack over little things and then feeling guilty for it. I let him watch more TV yesterday than he probably has in the rest of this life combined because by early afternoon, I just didn't have the energy to play ANOTHER round of Memory or Hi Ho Cherry-O with him. I kept wishing that someone would call yesterday and say, "Can we take Jack for a few hours?" And I'm sitting here crying just typing that because I feel guilty for not wanting to spend every minute of this quality time with him before the baby comes. We really have had some great moments over the last few days and I'm so thankful for that.

I cannot even fathom what it would be like to start having contractions out of the blue. I'm not even sure what that would feel like or what I'd do if I were sitting at work and my water broke. I know that's what happens for most people, but it seems so unreal.

While I'm feeling overwhelmed by circumstances, I do have so much to be thankful for. I'm carrying a healthy baby. I have another four days at work to get things done before he arrives. Kyle asked me yesterday if I was going to come into work on Thursday. What else would I do? Sit at home and wait? No thanks. We wont' have to be to the hospital until 7 or 8 PM and that would make for a LONG day.

I'm thankful for fantastic babysitters who play with Jack and help him spend some of the energy that he needs to spend so that I can spend time doing things like reading and cuddling with him instead (over the weekend when Kyle was working in the yard he kept asking me to wrestle with him . . . um, no).

I'm so glad that we'll be able to have dinner at camp every day this week . . . I cannot even begin to describe how grateful I am for that. I've decided that when I know of someone pregnant, I'm going to bring them dinner the week before the baby comes rather than after. Cooking over the last week has been the LAST thing I've wanted to do. Let's just say that Jack has consumed more french fries than I'm willing to admit.

It won't be long. I can make it.

Today

I've been taking the opportunity to regularly cuddle with Jack at naptime and bedtime. I know I'm probably creating yet another bad sleep habit, but I'm realizing that he won't always want me to climb into bed and cuddle with him and I feel like taking advantage of it while I can.

That said, I do have some rules about cuddle time. Otherwise, he'd NEVER fall asleep.

So today, I climbed into bed and said, "OK, head on the pillow, eyes closed, no talking, legs on the bed."

Jack grabbed my chin in his hand and said, "You forgot somefing."

"Oh yeah? What?"

"Keep your hands to yourself."

Hmmm . . . I guess I can't complain that he doesn't listen. When did he get so grown up? I have a feeling that in a week, he'll look even more grown up than he does now . . . in comparison to our new little guy, that is.

Because a week from now, I'll either have a baby or be in the hospital still trying to have one. I'm scheduled to go in Thursday night to begin to be induced. There are SO MANY varying opinions on the safety of being induced vs. the safety of going any farther past my due date. Trust me . . . I've heard them all. But I decided to go ahead and stick with 8 days past due (it'll actually be 9 by the time they start the pitocin . . . maybe 10 if it takes a while). I'm still praying like CRAZY that he'll come sooner. Like tonight.

As much as I'm ready (R-E-A-D-Y) for this baby to come now, I've started to be a little bit sad about this pregnancy being over. I'm confronted with wondering if this will be my last time pregnant and wanting to just soak it all up. To be quite honest, I'm still STUNNED that I'm pregnant. I know . . . it's been 34ish weeks that I've known, but I still can't believe it.

This relationship that we have right now . . . just he and I together ALL the time . . . I'll miss that a little once he arrives. I know it sounds contrary to all of my whining for the last few days (if you've kept up with me on twitter or facebook).

I'm ready to be able to take deep breaths again. I'm ready to be able to bend over. I'm ready for sitting down and standing up to no longer be athletic events. And, I'm excited to meet my youngest little boy. But there is a part of me that feels just a little bit sentimental about the whole thing.

D-Day

Today is my due date. Well kind of.  I guess technically, it was the 13th, but whatever.  We all know a due date is really just a date given to pregnant women to tease them. It's so strange because "September 16" is this familiar date that I've known for 36ish weeks or so as the goal. The end. Much like "May 26" was with Jack. People have asked when I'm due for 6 or 7 months and I've said, "September 16th" hundreds of times.

But the day has come and almost gone and I've had no signs of any sort of progress at all. All of my feelings a few weeks ago that the baby would come early have proven to be inaccurate. In about two hours, this baby will officially be late.

I told Kyle that it's like counting down the days to your birthday, and then everyone sort of forgetting that it was your birthday. Total letdown. The day that you've held in such high regard for so long has come and gone with nothing to show for it.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow in which we'll discuss what to do if he's not here in another week. Part of me wants to give it two weeks past my due date just to do what I can to avoid the dreaded pitocin. But given Jack's size and how much bigger this baby seems, I also don't want to end up in a c-section because he's too big for me to push out. I had really hoped to not have to make this decision.

Oh well. No one stays pregnant forever. I just want him to arrive and for him to be healthy . . . whenever that may be.

Cliff's Notes

So, I have many things I wanted to write about over the last few days, but I haven't had time for any of them. So here are the Cliff's Notes:

1. My new thing to panic about: The fact that Jack doesn't really have any friends his own age. He has a few through church that he doesn't really see very often and he has his cousin Emma but I'm starting to worry that his social skills will suffer. I toyed with the idea of putting him in a day care with lots of kids for a day or two a week this year (since he's not yet old enough for ANY preschool in our area) but decided to stick with the in-home babysitter for the time being. And we LOVE our babysitters, but I'm wondering if I should have opted for the more social option. Ugh. While I kind of hope he'll always be the nerdiest kid in school (I'll explain that some other time), I do want him to have the ability to make friends.

2. Kyle and I went to IKEA on Saturday for our last time out just the two of us for a while . . . with the exception of the 24 - 48 hour stay we'll have at U of M sometime in the next two weeks. With all of that walking, I was feeling cramps, I felt the baby really low . . . I was excited that I was feeling progress. Then on Sunday and today, I have felt absolutely nothing. NOTHING!

3. Jack has been saying too many funny things to even keep track of. The most startling of which was last night when walked toward me with a pair of toy pliers, lifted up my shirt and said, "Baby brother, I know! We will get you outta there!" I'm not sure how he planned on doing that, but I didn't stick around to find out.

4. Christmas cards . . . seriously, I've done dozens of holiday cards for people and we're just at mid-September. It deceives me into thinking the holidays are closer than they are. I'm in awe of people who are that organized. Totally in awe.

5. Jack was kind of sick last week. He had a fever for one night, but was congested and sneezy for several days. I kind of wonder if his two year molars have popped through but I keep forgetting to check. It did make for lots of cuddle time. I got into bed with him one night and he put his arm on my shoulder and said, "It's ok, mama." Sweet boy. Kyle went to Meijer in the middle of the night last Thursday for a new humidifier and Jack has slept through the night every night since! He hadn't done this since early August. Humidifier, you're hired!

6. It's crazy that when I was pregnant with Jack my ankles were HUGE. Not just normal pregnant-swollen ankles. They were outrageously puffy and disgusting. Think about what Shrek's ankles might look like and you'll be almost there. And my hands were numb for about 8 weeks leading up to his delivery. This time, my ankles are a little puffy and my hands just started going numb. I wonder what the difference is . . . I am sad to report, however, that I've caught up with the weight gain I had with Jack and I'm about dead even with where I was at 40 weeks with him. (insert Debbie Downer noise here)

7. I've been a little down. That's just the honest truth. I'm sure it's just the roller coaster that is pregnancy hormones. There was SO MUCH to do leading up to Jack's birth and this time around, things are a lot more laid back. I've also had a lot of trouble sleeping more than 2 - 3 hours stretches. Which I guess is good preparation, in a way. . .

I'll probably post something similar to this tomorrow, because I have a lot more on my mind but I'm finally feeling tired and I need to take advantage of that!

38.5 weeks

My appointment this week was uneventful (except for the part after it when I got my iphone . . . more on that later). She said that if he doesn't arrive by my due date, we'd talk about induction. I fully expect to be there on my due date talking about induction.

Honestly . . . I'm in no hurry for this baby to arrive. I have too much to do!

There is no amount of editing that can make me look awake in this photo, so it's straight out of the camera. And it's pretty much how I feel. Tired. And it may look like my shirt covers my belly, but in reality, my shirt stops at my midriff and the Bella Band takes it from there. Though I wonder what the people at church would have done if I arrived with half my belly hanging out . . .

False alarm

So yesterday morning, I thought it was THE day. I woke up throughout the night, but never enough to actually get out of bed. When I finally did at about 6:45, I sat up and noticed my pants were wet. And as I stood up, there was a small gush of fluid that lasted until I made it to the bathroom.

Of course, I knew my water had broken.

I told Kyle to start packing up and I did the thing that any of you would have done in my situation . . . I threw some eyebrow wax in the microwave in order to wax my overgrown eyebrows that I've been putting off for weeks. I couldn't do anything about the zits on my chin, or the lack of a manicure, but if I was going to be photographed lots for the next two or three days, I was going to have well-groomed eyebrows. I then proceeded to accidentally wax off half of my left eyebrow. Just lovely.

We decided we were going to just wait until our babysitter got here at 9 AM and took our time packing stuff up. We seriously had nothing packed or even put together. At all. I wasn't completely sure my water had broken because I realized I hadn't been up once all night to use the bathroom. I'd say I was about 75% sure, though.

Ok, I'm realizing as I type this that in order to publish it I'm going to have to publicly admit that I just wet my pants. Because that's what happened

I got to triage and the midwife confirmed that my water had not broken. I was just incontinent. Which was mildly embarrassing. THough my mom freaked me out a little, because when her water broke with my brother they didn't see any ferning at first, either. So I can't get that out of my mind.

But that was our false alarm day. I asked the midwife how to know the difference . . . what if this happened again? She said I can't really know for sure, so if it happens again, I'll have to just come in and be checked. Ugh.

If nothing else, this lit a fire under us to get stuff done! I spent our drive to the hospital making a mental list of everything I wish I would have had time to get done and now I'm trying to do everything on that list!

37 weeks

You know what's funnier than a pregnant lady waddling? A pregnant lady intentionally trying not to waddle. I've been really trying to avoid the pregnant "waddle" when I walk. And to be honest, I'm not sure why. But I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the door of Target yesterday and was struck but how awkward it looked. So, I stopped.

Other than that, things have been smooth sailing this week, pregnancy-wise. Jack-wise . . . well, that's another post for tomorrow maybe. I'm 37 weeks, which means the baby can come whenever he's ready. I'm not really in any rush, though.

The worry had been that my amniotic fluid would decrease more over the last week. But I was so excited to find out that it did not! The baby looks healthy and happy. Although they weren't seeing acceleration like they like to see when I was on the monitor so they used what they call the "baby alarm clock." It was this small vibrating thing that they put on my belly to wake him up and see if it would make his heart rate go up.

Even Kyle could see the baby jump as soon as it hit my skin. The poor baby didn't stop flailing for a good ten minutes and his heart rate . . . well, it certainly went up. I was in tears because I know that my little boy was probably scared. And because I'm pregnant and lots of things bring me to tears.

I don't know if pregnancy is just a little more dramatic the first time around, or if this pregnancy really is easier. Because seriously, I'm feeling pretty good. I have three weeks to go and I feel like I could go another two months (not that I'm asking for that). By this time with Jack, my back was awful, my hands were numb and my feet and ankles were super swollen. I mean, they're puffy, but not nearly as bad as last time. And my hands go numb occasionally, but usually just when I'm on the computer for a long time or sleeping. I do still have 3 weeks left, so there's plenty of time for swelling, I suppose. And my back has started to ache a little, but I can handle it.

The baby's room is about ready . . . mainly because we decided not to change it really from when it was occupied by Jack. I have things washed and put away. I have to change the "Jackson" banner out for a banner with the baby's name, but that can wait until after he's born. Oh, and I want to change the photo collage on the wall. I have a few things left on my "to buy" list and a few things I still need to dig out of the basement.

All in all, if he came tonight, we'd be ready.


I don't remember what Kyle was saying while taking the picture, but I'm sure that he deserved the look I was giving him.


OK, just to compare . . . here's what I looked like when I was 37 weeks pregnant with Jack. I looked so young.

Late night blogging

It's like the sound of a bowling ball . . . Jack getting up at night, that is.

We hear his door open, the sound of his footsteps barreling down the hallway, getting louder and louder as he approaches. And then there's the final, "CRASH!" as he hits the door and fumbles with the doorknob. He runs in and exclaims, "I waked up!"

Yep . . . we know.

One of the good things about sleeping on my side of the bed is that it's farthest from the door so he always goes to Kyle's side which makes him the one that takes him back to bed. Because let's face it, at this stage, rolling over and getting out of bed is a monumental task equal to what I would imagine farmers have to go through to "un-tip" their cows.

But if you know me, you know that once I'm awake, I'm awake. Pregnant, not pregnant, one hour of sleep or ten hours of sleep . . . if I fall asleep and I'm woken up all the way, I can't go back. Sometimes I lay in bed, half awake, debating whether it would be worse to have to hold it all night, or to get up, pee and have to be up for the rest of the night.

But then I remember that it's Saturday and that if I get up, I can spend the rest of the night watching infomercials on the Time Life 60's CDs and how to sell unused items on ebay. And who would pass up an opportunity like that?

Surprise!

Well, I had a surprise ultrasound today and got to see my lovely baby boy up close and personal.

Starting on Monday, there was a noticeable slow down in the baby's movements. I attributed it to him getting bigger and having less room to move, but of course, the seed of worry was planted. To be honest, if it weren't for how much it would cost, I probably would have called on Monday. Yesterday, his movement didn't pick up any. I wouldn't say that he moved less than Monday, but I would say that it was still pretty slow.

Last night, we went to a Tigers game with Ben & Jeanette and I felt him once the entire time we were were at the game. But we were hot, cramped and I figured I probably just wasn't feeling the movement because of everything going on around us. By the way, it was a really good game (even for a non-sports fan like me) and we had a lot of fun!

This morning, I got up around 6:30 and hadn't felt a single thing by 8. I drank juice, laid on my side, pushed on him . . . sat in my usual positions that made him move, etc. Nothing worked. Right before we left for breakfast at camp, I felt him once, but barely.

When we got to camp, my anxiety was mounting and I kept going back and forth between feelings of, "I need to do what's best for the baby, no matter what the cost" and "it's probably nothing and you'll waste time and money for them to roll their eyes and tell you not to worry."

I ended up calling and going in and I'm glad I did. My amniotic fluid is low. Not dangerously low, but outside of the normal "acceptable" range. Which won me weekly ultrasound appointments (and weekly bills for ultrasounds . . . which I'm actually ok with because I know that they're not pointless) up until he's born. If it continues to go down, they'll have to induce labor early.

The up side of all of this is that I got to see my sweet baby boy today. With Jack, I didn't have any ultrasounds after 20 weeks, so I never saw him at this stage. But baby #2 was gnawing on his fist and grabbing his toes . . . I was SO bummed that Kyle wasn't there with me. I guess he'll catch the show next week.

So, if you think about it, will you pray that the amniotic fluid levels don't drop anymore this week? I'd really, really like to not have to be induced. I'd love to go into labor naturally (well, as much as any woman loves going into labor, I guess). And I'd love for it to be at 40 weeks instead of 37.

On an unrelated note, my original due date (the one calculated according to my LMP, which is rather unreliable) would have been tomorrow. I'm really glad it's not . . . I've got a lot to do!

I could have been a doctor . . .

I went in for a check-up today and it was . . . well, boring. Everything's looking great. The nurse told me to get undressed from the waist down because they were going to do my GBS test today. Which confused me, because I know they usually prefer to wait and do that between 36 and 38 weeks. I should have questioned her, because I was right. The doctor was a little confused as to why I was undressed, but she did the test anyway because . . . well, I'm not sure why. If I go a week late, though, we'll have to do it again. Which we'll probably have to pay for again.

Speaking of . . . we got the bill for my day o' fun in the hospital a few weeks ago. I can't even write about it without tearing up. It's overwhelming. It's outrageous. We were planning on getting new carpet and flooring throughout our entire house at some point this winter, but the bill is about that much . . . so guess where the money is going now. All for a pointless trip to the hospital. Ugh. So, buy more cards.

I shouldn't be complaining. Had we incurred this extra cost when I was pregnant with Jack, it would have been much more problematic. I'm grateful that we can afford it . . . even if it means living with stinky, stained carpet a while longer. There are much worse things we could be dealing with . . . and I'm grateful for what we do have.

08.09.09

This morning, I started to look back at the past birthday posts I've written. And now I'm sitting here close to tears. Happy tears. Because surrounding those birthday posts were other posts about things in our lives that have happened over the last three years. And I can't believe how much I've forgotten. I am so blessed. I have so much for which to be thankful.

I only had about 5 hours of sleep last night. Up until this weekend, I was sleeping pretty well. Over the last two days, I've slept poorly and my hands have started going numb. I'd say the return of "the claw" and "the cankles" is imminent. I'm so thankful that I made it all of the way through summer camps without having many problems with these things.

Truth be told, with the exception of the last few uncomfortable nights, I'm feeling REALLY good. I have some lower back pain, but that's about it. I definitely thought things would be much rougher than they were over the last few weeks of camp. I'm ok with having to slow down now . . . I'm just thankful to have made it through all 10 weeks of summer camps with few problems.

We don't have any plans for my birthday other than to pick up Jack from my parents' house tonight. I didn't realize how much I would miss him. I'll write more on that later. We'll probably go to breakfast and do some grocery shopping this morning. And maybe hit IKEA on the way into my parents' house. I'm loving this time with just the two of us. I think we're both ready to resume our rolls as parents to the most fantastic kid ever, though. I hope I'm still saying that at bedtime tonight . . .

It's a little weird to be 31. I'm closer to 40 than I am to 20 but I'm ok with it. Because in 9 years, I'll be able to look back that much more and see how far we've come and how much we've been blessed.

Here's the post from when I turned 30.

Here's the one from when I turned 29. Oh, and this one too.

33 1/2 weeks

I can't believe I have to get 6 1/2 more weeks of baby in this belly . . .



Photo thanks to Jen Decker.

Not the "feel good" movie of the year

Jack was 8 days late, I was induced . . . and after a bajillion hours of pitocin I finally started having contractions. And after that much pitocin, the contractions were so intense, I demanded an epidural. Literally. I was demanding one.

I wasn't opposed to pain management during child birth, so this wasn't a big deal. But I always had it in the back of my mind that things would have been easier had I not been induced.

A couple of weeks ago, I was site-hopping while doing research on cloth diapers and ended up on this random message board that was discussing the movie, The Business of Being Born. I watched it last night.

Wow.

It's changed my perspective on childbirth a lot. I didn't think it would. I thought I'd find it igonorant and sesational. And while I think there was a lot of "spin" . . . it did make sense. And the movie's idea of delivering naturally is not necessarily just a "drug-free" birth. It's my pet peeve when women brag about their drug-free labor and delivery as if it makes them a super hero.

I'm not planning on a home birth as a result of this, though I'm much more aimiable to the idea . . . our insurance probably doesn't cover it (which is ironic, given the fact that it's about 1/4 of the cost and proven to be incredibly safe . . . something I didn't realize). I'm not even going to search for a midwife. I really like the group of doctors that I see. I AM, however, hoping to avoid induction (I'm shocked at how quickly doctors jump to induce . . . though the doctors at U of M are pretty conservative when it comes to inducing, so that makes me feel like we're on the same page). But I don't even know where I land on that. I guess with Jack we KNEW that I was 8 days after my due date. This time around, my due date is approximate. We dont' know the actual date of conception like we did with Jack. What if I'm 2 weeks late?

If you're going to have a baby soon, I'm not sure I'd reccommend this movie. Maybe . . . but only if you're prepared to have your mind changed on some things. And you have to put up with Ricki Lake. And you see a lot of naked women give birth.

I'm not really sure what it means for what I'll do 7 weeks from now . . . I'm not completely convinced that after a few hours of contractions I won't be demanding an epidural again. And I'm still ok with the pain management. But I do know that when doctors are telling me what needs to be done "for the health of my baby" I'll definitely be thinking twice.

Normal

I'm quite confident that "normal" is the most beautiful word to anyone who is pregnant or has children. It's the coveted award that we look for at every check up and appointment: "Everything looks normal." Sometimes we hear the word "healthy," "good," or "typical" but as long as there aren't any "abnormalities" it's all good.

I went in for my 33 week check-up today and saw a doctor I hadn't seen before. My usual doctor was on vacation. Let me preface this by saying I really liked him and I'd be perfectly happy if he were the one available when I was ready to deliver. I hold none of this against him.

He walked in, introduced himself and started to go over my pregnancy so far. I don't remember his exact words, but he eventually said, "So you had your 20 week ultrasound and they talked to you about the cardiac focus?"

Gulp.

"Um, no. I have no idea what you're talking about."

"With the baby's heart . . . the cardiac focus. On the ultrasound?"

At this point I was fighting tears. I had no idea what a cardiac focus was, but to go from being told weeks ago that your ultrasound was completely normal to hearing that there is an issue . . . any issue . . . was overwhelming. Especially since this was the one appointment Kyle couldn't come to with me.

He said, "Uh . . . let me just double check to make sure I wasn't looking at the wrong chart."

I felt a little relief at this point . . . surely he was talking about someone else, right? Not me. They told me my ultrasound was completely normal.

"Um, Sara Luke . . . birthdate 08/09/78?"

"Yeah."

"They never told you anything about a cardiac focus?"

"WHAT ON EARTH IS A CARDIAC FOCUS?!"

He went on to explain that it's a bright spot in the heart (whatever that means). I asked what that really meant. He said, "It is sometimes thought to be related to the trisomies, but . . . " I didn't hear what he said after that. I lost it.

He felt really bad.

He went on to explain that it's really only thought to be linked to abnormalities when there are other factors. My quad screen was normal, the other ultrasound checks were normal . . . therefore the cardiac focus was considered a "normal variant."

He explained that I probably wasn't told about it because it really isn't considered to be an issue unless there are other factors. And I think he reads my blog, because he went on to say, "I know you'll be home googling this tonight, but just remember that this is completely normal and isn't an indicator of any problem."

Part of me was furious that no one had mentioned this before. The other part was frustrated that he mentioned it now if it was nothing at all.

I had about 2 minutes of the most gripping fear that I think I've ever felt. It felt like 2 hours.

On the way home, I was still a little teary and I couldn't help but thank God for Jack's health and continue to pray for the health of this baby boy. I prayed for families for whom this kind of news lasts longer than 2 minutes.

While the doctor reassured me that it means nothing (as did my google research) and I'm not really too worried, this will probably still hang out in the back of my mind for the next 7 - 8 weeks.

Miscellany

Many people have commented to me that "this is the perfect summer for a pregnant woman" because it's so cool. Those people don't know me very well.

I depend on July and August to warm me up enough to last the entire winter. I need 95 degree days to keep me from freezing to the core in February. Needless to say, I was not thrilled about the day last week that it didn't even hit 70.

This week is going so much more smoothly than I had anticipated. I'm almost afraid to publish that last sentence, because, well . . . you know. Only two weeks of campers and our summer comes to an end. Jack is finally adjusting to our schedule and in two weeks it'll change all over again.

I've decided that Jack thinks there's a statute of limitations on what I ask him to do or not to do. If I haven't reminded him of a particular rule (like, say, that he's not allowed to get into the cupboards or refrigerator) in the last 10 minutes, he considers in null and void. He walked into my bedroom while I was drying my hair the other morning and he had the lid of the orange juice carton and was drinking out of it.

The bathroom in our room has a separate tub and shower stall, which normally is annoying, but has proven to be handy over the last couple of weeks. When we get home from camp at night, I give Jack a bath in the tub in our bathroom and let him play while I hop in the shower. For all of you who just audibly gasped over the thought of me leaving Jack in the bath tub alone, the shower is right there and I can see him the entire time. And we're usually singing songs together while he plays with his bath toys. The other benefit of this arrangement is that I have again begun showering regularly. I can almost hear the sigh of relief.

It's a fun little routine and I've come to enjoy that time together. When I'm dressed, I wrap him in a towel and he likes to run around for a little while. He always asks to be "wrapped tight like a burrito." How could you not love this kid?

Whiny McWhinerson

Yes, my last post and all of my twitter updates were super whiny. I acknowledge that.

It's easy for me to see that now that I'm sitting on the nice, cushy purple couches in the lobby waiting for Kyle to pick me up (those beds are NOT comfortable). The doctor and nurse both agreed that since my fall was last night, I should be safe to leave now (they came to this agreement after my pleading and crying . . . shameless, I know). It's not that I want to put the health of my baby at risk . . . I just really felt like everything is ok and that lying there an extra 12 hours wasn't really going to tell us anything different. They agreed.

My stay at the hospital was not relaxing. It was not a nice break. I was among mothers and their crying children (imagine that . . . on a a L& D floor) and was surrounded by people with sandwiches and buckets 'o chicken while I was not able to eat a thing. It was miserable.

Before I left, the doctor did sit with me and let me know that although she thinks there's very little risk of placental abruption from the fall, that my visit did show that the amount I was contracting when I came in this morning and afternoon is not ideal. She said I was dehydrated and that I likely need to be taking it easier than I am.

Then she asked the dreaded questions: "Are you working? What do you do for a living?" I was tempted to say, "I have an online stationery business and work at a computer." Because that would be true. Well, half-true.

Alas, I did tell her the whole truth about working at a camp, and I will heed her warning. As much as I love what I do and love to work, I would never do anything to jeopardize the health of my sweet baby boy.

I was kind of bummed because I thought that I had been taking it easy. I thought that my pace was slower. And I guess it is compared to most summers. But maybe not compared to what most pregnant women should be doing. The irony of it all is that at my check-up next week, my doctor will probably ask if I've been exercising and will most likely remind me to stay active.

I'm tempted to feel like this day was a complete waste of time and money, but here are the things I'm thankful for today:

1. I got to listen to my baby boy's heartbeat for 8 hours straight and it was a constant reminder of how blessed I am. Actually, I spent quite a bit of time chasing his heartbeat with the monitor. That kid moves a lot.

2. That kid moves a lot. I'm so thankful for that. This morning, his movement was slow and seldom and I was so scared. I no longer take the kicking for granted. Remind me of that at 2 AM or so.

3. I had lots of time to do nothing but pray for some of the troubled campers that I encountered last night . . . whew - more on that later.

4. I'm glad that I did come in so that I could find out how dehydrated I am and discover how much I'm contracting so that I can be intentional about getting more rest. I spent the whole day hooked up to an IV and am well hydrated again! The rest part . . . I'll be working on that.

5. Our staff has had a chance to really shine . . . we've been so impressed with how (we've heard) that they've handled things while we were gone. We were already down to the bare minimum of staff and when we left the last two days, Kylie was there to manage everything herself. And she's done a great job!

6. Coming home to Jack was so great. I didn't get to say goodbye to him this morning and I really missed him. I was so excited to see him and didn't even care that the first words out of his mouth to me were, "I want to not see mama. I want to see grandma!"

There's a lot more to be thankful for, but I have some things to do before my head hits the pillow tonight. Thanks to everyone who sent their prayers and well-wishes!

Klutzy

I've just been admitted into the stupid hospital overnight and I'm already miserable. I don't really think I need to be but it's "protocol" for when a pregnant woman takes a tumble.

I tripped over a cord last night and fell flat on my face. Everyone keeps asking if I fell on my belly and i can't remember. I don't think I fell hard on my belly, but I remember rolling a little because I was conscious of the fact that I didn't want to be laying on my unborn child. And the pain in my left shoulder was so intense that I wasn't paying attention to much else at the time. The tenderness of my shoulder right now makes it shocking that I don't have a bruise there.

So, upon advice from many people who said, "It can't hurt to check" I called triage and they called me up for 4 hours of monitoring. Monitoring which includes a hospital gown, no eating, no drinking and an IV that still stings. They said they'd watch my contractions and if I had more than 4 per hour, they'd want to keep me overnight.

I had one every 5 - 10 minutes. Lovely. So I'm here until tomorrow.

I'm in a room where they bring c-section patients for recovery before they take them to their actual room. I'm already sick of the lady next to me watching smut on tv and referring to her child as "the kid."

This is all following an afternoon in the ER with Kyle yesterday. He tripped and turned his ankle and it was swollen unlike I had seen an ankle swollen before. Luckily there was no break.

Kyle went home (an hour each way) to get some stuff for me. All I can think about is how much I have to do and how pointless it is that I'm here. I'm wishing I had never made that call to triage because I'm fine and the baby's fine.

The nurses just keep reminding me that it's "protocol." I wonder how much the bill for this "protocol" will be.

I'm hungry, thirsty, way uncomfortable and really cranky.