August 12, 2007

Dear Jack . . . months 1 and 2

Dear Jack,

I knew that having you would bring change, but no one could have prepared me for everything that I've experienced in the last 8 weeks! I didn't expect that you would grow up this quickly! I find myself constantly saying, “Remember when he was little . . .?”

I was so emotional during your first couple of weeks home. I had such a hard time describing what I was feeling at that time . . . and in retrospect, the only word I can use to express those seemingly hormone-induced emotions is “full.” I was completely full.

Full of love.
Full of wonder.
Full of fear.

My heart was full, and because of that I cried incessantly.

Sometimes I cried out of happiness. Your dad and I were so happy to finally have you after years of longing for you. Sometimes I cried out of worry. I worried that I wouldn’t be a good enough mom. I worried that I couldn’t give you everything that you need and deserve. I worried that you’ll marry a girl that I disapprove of and move half way across the country and never call or visit.

You came home from the hospital and only stopped at home for a few hours before heading to camp for staff training. You are one of very few people who can say that you’re your parents made you go through training during your first two weeks of life! Grandma Wietholter came to stay for a few days while dad went on the campout with the staff. We missed him a lot, but I learned a lot from grandma about how to take care of you. I’m not sure if I’d know how to give you a bath if it weren’t for her!

As tired as I was during your first week of life, I’ll always treasure those first days together. We talked about how much your dad and I love you. We took tours of the house. I told you about God and how he gave you to us and has good things planned for you. We danced to our song about a hundred times and it always seemed to calm your crying.

Watching your dad take care of you has been so fun. He loves you so much, Jack. You look so much like him. I watch him hold you and can almost hear him thinking about how much fun it will be to play catch with you in the back yard when you’re older. Please don’t disappoint him by taking up gymnastics or ballet. But if you do, let him down gently.

One of my favorite moments in this little bit of life you’ve had so far is when you first smiled at me! You were 3 weeks old and it was the first time I knew that the smile was more than gas! At 4 weeks, you’d smile anytime I’d smile at you! My heart melted . . . and still melts a little every time you smile back at me.

You’ve changed so much over the last 8 weeks and I’m scared that you’ll grow up too quickly! After all, you already look about 4 months old! I've changed a lot too over the last two months. Being a mom is more challenging and more rewarding than I ever expected. I love you more than I expected I could love someone that I’ve only known for such a short time! I’ve learned to trust God more than I did before and I know that I can only be a good enough mom for you if I’m letting him show me how.

I’m sorry that your first 8 weeks have been so chaotic. I worried a lot that you’d be somehow affected by our activity, but you don’t seem to mind. Though I suspect that you might hold your head up better like the doctor wants you to if we had given you more tummy time and less baby bjorn and stroller time.

Your dad and I love you more than we could ever adequately express . . . though we’ll do our best to try.


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