November 19, 2009

I could tell by looking at her . . .

I was going to do a "bullet" post. You know. The kind that breaks my life down into small, manageable, bite-sized pieces. But I'm not going to. Why? Because my life is not manageable or bite-sized right now.

It's chaotic. The-most-wonderful-time-of-the-year is in full swing (hello to everyone who's here by way of etsy), I have a newborn, I'm potty training a toddler and I have some big projects I'm working on at my real job. Did you know that I have a real, full-time job that has nothing to do with my children or photography or etsy? Lots of people forget.

And my emotions? Well, they can only be compared to a wrecking ball, swinging wildly from high to low and then back again, taking out everything in its path. Kyle would probably tell you plenty about this, but he doesn't have a blog, so I guess you'll never know.

My kids need baths (no seriously, Ben perpetually smells like spit up . . . as do I). I have mounds (piles is not an accurate description) of clean laundry sitting on the floor of my fairly small bedroom waiting to be folded. We actually started using disposable diapers this week, only because we couldn't locate any of the clean ones . . . they were buried so deep that we couldn't find them. And my bathrooms . . . and the kitchen floor . . . I stress out just thinking about how much attention these areas need. And honestly, all I can do is laugh. Not the funny kind of laugh. But the kind of laugh that makes the people around you laugh nervously along with you.

Adding to everything, is my deep desire to lose the excess baby weight I'm carrying. Everything fits awkwardly. It took about 10 months to get rid of it with Jack, but for some reason in my mind, I thought it would come off more quickly this time. As you may have guessed, I was wrong. We had a dinner at camp on Saturday for donors and friends and I was standing and talking to some people at a table. One lady looked at the woman sitting next to her and said, "She just had a baby." And the woman replied, "I know . . . I could tell by looking at her that she hadn't had one too long ago." Awesome.

Then, I was shopping in Target with Jack (the shopping trip that made me want to boycott Target forever . . . don't get me started) and I picked up a pair of jeans in my current size. And Jack says, "Whoa! Those are big pants." Double awesome.

I could go into more detail here and outline every bit of craziness I'm living through, but I won't. Because no one wants to buy a holiday card that says "Merry and Bright" from a gumpy girl with raging post-partum hormones. And because when I go to church on Sunday, I'd inevitably get the "sympathetic head tilt" which I'd then have respond to with the "I'm ok head bob" and I don't want that either.

And this is the point in the post when things turn around, I look on the bright side and explain the happy ending . . . I share the things that I'm be thankful for and explain how good life is, after all. And it is good. I had 10 minutes this afternoon when Kyle, Jack, Ben and I were all standing (well, Ben was being held) in the kitchen and laughing and playing that were so wonderful, that I'd go through all of this even if it were for just those 10 minutes.

But instead, I'm just going to leave it here. I am thankful. I am blessed. I have happier things to post later tonight. But for now, I'm just tired.


Sara said...

If it helps at all, I'm another harried mother reading your stories. You are allowed to have bad days. You are allowed to be tired. You are allowed to have dirty laundry and dirty dishes and dirty kids.

You don't have to be Super Mom... just take it one day at a time. Do what you can and the rest can wait.

Anonymous said...

It's ok for all days to not go smoothly...this too shall pass, i promise!

and if it makes you feel any better, when Bennett and I were doing laundry today and I told him to put all of the jeans in, he picked up my pair and said, "Whoa! These HAVE to be dad's jeans!" I told him, no, they were mine, and he didn't believe me. Lovely. AND, this is the second time this has happened.

Also, some moms and i were talking baby weight the other day, and the consensus is this: you might get back to your prebaby weight, but things will, um, not exactly look the same - the weight redistributes itself in funny ways. Just so you're prepared.

Hang in there!

Instant Family of 4 said...

Love the "Friends" reference. I know that feeling so well! There are times that I think about posting something on my blog or on facebook about the tough times but don't want the pitty responses or the head tilt and I just post happy photos....not the best but sometimes its all I have. :)

Jeanette said...

I know this wasn't the point of your post...but please, I would like to help. What do you need:
cleaning lady for a couple hours?
comic relief?
a super cool playlist?

Don't say, "it's fine...we've got everything under control." I know, but a little help is always nice, so take it sucka!

Beth said...

breathe. :)

Melanie Eccles said...

I wanted to cry just reading this. I can't imagine what those hormones must be fact, I don't want to imagine it because I've been SUPER crazy hormonal myself these last 2 days I can't stand it.

Just know I love you. :)

Sarah said...

Oh Sara, I'm SO with you on the messy house and lack of bath thing!! My child & I both need bathed! And the laundry...well, let's just say it took 2.5 hours to dump, fold, and put away the clean clothes last Sunday. And I wasn't even working on WASHING any of them! They'd been sitting in baskets & heaps for a week or 2 (or 3?) at the foot of my bed. It was making me crazy! But seriously, when is there time to do it?! And I only have 1 job and 1 child! My mom was frantically offering to come over and do my laundry, put away my clothes, clean my house, etc. the other day as I was in the midst of my biggest melt-down I've ever had in front of her. Really I just needed to vent. Although hiring a housekeeper doesn't sound bad to me! (Seriously...)

Oh, and the baby weight? Well, I lost a lot of it 1 week post-partum and plateaued for awhile. I thought I'd gradually LOSE, but as it turns out...I'm gradually GAINING now!! Great! Oh well, I'm not stressing about it until January. No time to eat right, and no time to exercise. Cookies & ice cream are so fast and accessible! What's a girl gonna do??