The craziness and the loveliness

Every morning, after I get out of the shower, I plug in my hair dryer and I turn on my flat iron.

Every. Morning.

I thought about this yesterday morning when Kyle asked me if he could turn off my flat iron. He wanted to know if I was finished with it. I told him I was, even though I hadn't even used it. I actually use the iron about once a month and I probably have time to dry my hair once or twice a week.

Even though I usually leave the house with frizzy hair that was not blown dry or straightened, I do these things each morning with the hope that it will be the day that I have the time and the opportunity to actually do it. I hope that I won't go out in public for the rest of my life looking like someone who lives without electricity.

I've said many times that I have the best of both worlds with being able to work full time and stay home with Jack. During this time of year, I'm reminded that I also have the worst of both worlds. I feel like I can't do either of my jobs really well because Jack's with me at work and my work is with me at home. Every time Kyle's grandma sees me she asks me if I wonder what I did with all of my time before I had a baby. I really, really do wonder that.

I can't afford full time day care, but even if I could, I'm not sure that's what I would want. And I can't afford to quit my job . . . but even if I could, I know that I wouldn't want to give up my position at camp. Sometimes I get bitter (and envious) when I look at moms who can have it one way or the other. At other times I'm grateful when I stand back and look at my arrangement.

Can you see why I'm confused?

I wish I had more time to myself. I wish I had time to get ready in the morning. But I think I'll sacrifice good hair days for the good that I have right now. I'll take the craziness with the loveliness.