If only I knew . . .

So, it was a year ago tomorrow that we discovered that our first IUI using gonal-f did not work and that we were, in fact, not pregnant . . . again. Now, I'm typing with one hand because I'm holding my baby in my other. It's a good feeling. As we've hit the one and two year anniversaries of our journey through infertility, I find myself constantly thinking, "If only I had known then how well it would turn ou I wouldn't have worried so much." Today I'm reminded that God is as faithful today as he has been over the last three years and I need to be thinking, "If I could only understand fully how God is working all of these things for good, I wouldn't be so worried."

Don't get me wrong . . . I think God is faithful in every situation but I don't think that retrospect always brings total understanding to every situation. When someone dies, you grieve. When someone hurts you, you feel pain. I don't think you ever look back 10 years later and think, "If I knew then what I know today, I wouldn't have spent so much time hurting and healing." I'm merely speaking of not worrying so much because God will take care of me . . . even if it's in a way different than I would expect. There are other situations in which good comes in spite of the circumstances rather than through them. I hope I'm not too confusing.


There are some pictures posted below, but click here to see more.

Here are some links to past blogs:

6 weeks
One month
3 weeks
Summer 07
Newborn

Jack at 10 weeks old:

The most embarassing blog yet . . .

So I found a picture the other day that I was too embarassed to post when I was pregnant. I'm pretty sure my inhibitor switch must be turned off because I shouldn't be posting it today either. Here are the during pregnancy and post pregnancy pictures of my feet.

My feet on a normal day:



My feet when pregnant:




I can still remember what they felt like everytime I stood up or put any weight on them at all. I probably gained half of my pregnancy weight in my feet!

Rolling Over

We were taking pictures of Jack today and he rolled over quite unexpectedly! He rolled over once from back to front when he was two weeks old, but that was kind of a fluke.

Today he rolled from front to back for the first time. I put him on his tummy, grabbed the camera and he rolled over like he'd been doing it for years. We wish we'd had it on video, but I have pictures:








Rolling over seems like such a simple thing, but I now understand why parents are so pround when their child does it for the first time! This could make tummy time a little more difficult.

Tummy time

So, before you get all worked up thinking that we're putting Jack to sleep on his stomach (gasp!), let me explain.

As you may recall, we were told at Jack's check up that he wasn't holding his head up well enough. So, today was day one of making sure Jack has enough tummy time. We put him on his tummy, he pushed himself up a couple of times, got a drunken look on his face and fell asleep.

Better luck next time, I guess.

It all happened so fast . . .

My birthday is officially over. It was a good day. Some friends from our staff three years ago come and visit and it was good to see them. We had a party tonight which more people showed up to than I had expected. It was originally a surprise party, but no one can ever seem to surprise me. Sometimes I think I'm just a little too perceptive.

Anyway, it was really fun to just sit and talk (and eat). Joy, Debbie and Kyle put it all together and had some great food and an amazing TCBY ice cream cake. Throughout the night I reminisced back to the first time we had our staff over to our house and how miserable it was for Kyle and I because Jack wouldn't stop crying and it didn't help that our house was so loud. He was only 1 week old then . . . it was back when he was little. It was back when we had no idea what we were doing. Tonight went so much more smoothly. Jack went down to bed at his bedtime and the evening continued. It's so nice to know that we don't have to be to camp until 8:30 tomorrow and that our schedule is now flexible again.

Today was also the last day of camp for 2007. I have mixed emotions . . . I'm so glad to be able to get into more of a routine with Jack, and to be able to get more sleep. I'm glad to not be working 12 hours a day and take care of an infant. I'm excited that I'll be able to give Jack the tummy time that I've deprived him of over the last 1o weeks and play with him more. But I'm always bummed when a summer ends because no two summers are the same so you always have to say goodbye to what was here this summer. My whole world changed this summer and nothing is the same. I have a feeling that the world won't stop changing for the next 18 years or so.

I spent so long wondering what it would be like to get through the summer with an infant and now that it's over I realize that I hadn't really thought much past summer. When I was pregnant, I always tried to visualize what it would be like to run camps and take care of a baby, but I hadn't tried to imagine what the fall would be like with a baby. I haven't really given winter much thought. For the last 11 months, I had just thought about what the summer would be like . . . and now it's over. I'm excited to see what lies ahead.

Turning 29

Jack went down tonight wide awake and put himself to sleep with no crying. Yay!

We're seriously considering finding a new home for Murphy. We really feel like we do not have the ability to train her beyond where she is now. She sleeps in a corner of our bedroom because she'll cry if we put her in her crate and night and that keeps us all awake. But when she sleeps in our room, 9 times out of 10 she pees in the doorway sometime before we wake up. She's also chewed up several of Jack's blankets, sleepers, onesies, burp cloths, etc. I just don't know what to do but our carpet is trashed. I'm at a total loss.

I turn 29 in 1 1/2 hours. It's a little scary to be this close to 30. I'm pretty sure this is the first birthday I've had where I haven't been announcing it to everyone for two weeks leading up to it and marking it on everyone's calendars. I don't think it's because I'm feeling old, but I do think with all of my recent stress I just haven't wanted to think about it.

I'm getting ready for bed and I'm going to have trouble falling asleep because of how messy it is. I've been pretty good about keeping things picked up all summer, but knowing that I'll have plenty of time to do it next week has kept me from staying on top of things.

Our last day of camp is tomorrow and it's bittersweet. I'm excited to be able to spend more time with Jack, but everyone leaving is always a little sad. Only 42 weeks until staff training.

Cyberchondria

Jack had his two month check-up today. Well the two-month check-up to make up for the one that we missed. He weighed in at 15 lbs, 1 oz. That's exactly one pound more than a week ago. He's definitely off his growth curve . . . he's in the 99th percentile. The nurse said he looks like a 6 month old. At this rate, he'll weigh 4000 lbs by the time he's 10.

I thought he had been doing really well with head control and sitting up, but I guess he's a little behind. Who has time for tummy time with 134 campers to look after? I guess he's supposed to be getting an hour a day. I thought he was supposed to be getting 15 minutes. Whoops. So, in his lifetime, he's never had a single day of enough tummy time. I'm hoping that next week we can start to become regular about these things. What I'm trying to say is that I'm hoping that beginning next week, we'll become better parents.

It's amazing how much faster I can type when I don't have a baby in one hand!

I was a little worried (and still kind of am) about Jack's hearing. Last night I was burning a candle and the wax caught on fire and set off the smoke detectors. When one goes off, they all do, so I ran down to his room to get him because I was sure the noise would scare him (after putting out the fire, that is). I had just put him down about 2 mintues earlier and he was awake, so I was sure he would have been wakened by the screeching alarms. But he was laying there, sucking on his pacifier with his eyes closed.

So, I did what any responsible parent would do . . . I googled "infant hearing loss" and read about all kinds of worse case scenarios for about an hour. However, the nurse didn't seem to think there was anything wrong, but you know I'm going to be making loud noises for the next few days to see if he reacts.

Speaking of googling things, my sister saw a report on the Today Show about something called "cyberchondria" and said it made her think of me. Matt Lauer defines it as "people turning to the internet for answers instead of turning to their doctors." If you'll remember the internet ban of 2006 instituted by my husband in our household during the first trimester of my pregnancy, you'll know that I could be one of those people. In fact, the first thing I did after I got of the phone with my sister was google "cyberchondria." You know what? Doctors aren't as available (not to mention as cheap) as the internet.

I do a lot of research on things. I like to consider myself well-informed. I hate it when people say, "You're so lucky to have such an easy baby." I know that there is some element of luck that comes from a combination of your circumstances and your baby's temperment but I really do think that all of the research and reading I did about taking care of an infant had at least a little to do with it. I feel like I know what I'm doing a lot more than I would if I hadn't read much at all. Maybe I overdid it at times, and I know that nothing beats experience and common sense, but I really feel like I do better than I would have without it.

Speaking of being well-informed . . . I had read that there was some concern over plastic baby bottles and the chemicals in them leaching out into the breastmilk or formula that was being fed to babies. I had read somewhere (though I can't remember where) that this issue was resolved and there was no danger. I was misinformed. Lissa called tonight to let me know that she heard a report about the danger of plastic bottles, including the avent ones that I use. It's interesting that the cheaper plastic bottles are actually the safest. Needless to say, I'm shopping around for glass bottles. Too bad I just bought three new Avent ones.

My other favorite commercial

Ok, I posted my favorite commercial in my last blog, and decided I had to post the other one because I love them so much. THere are some commercials I see that make me think, "Someone paid good money for this commercial and adspace and they got ripped off." Then there are these commercials that are created by some sort of advertising genius. Maybe my marketing education is what draws me to this stuff. Or maybe they're just that good.

Here's the other one:

Chatting it up

I think the number of words I speak in a day has increased 10-fold over the last few weeks. I talk to Jack constantly. And we were talking a few weeks ago about how we repeat ourselves so much when we talk to babies. "Mommy's gonna change your diaper so you can be clean. Do you want mommy to change your diaper? Do you want to be clean? We're going to get rid of all the poopy in your diaper. Won't that be nice? Who wants a clean diaper? I do (that was me talking for Jack)! Mom's gonna change you now . . ." With babies, I think you have to repeat yourself just to fill up the space that would normally be taken up by someone talking back to you.

I know it's good for his language development, but that's A LOT of talking. A LOT. This morning, I really just wanted to do what I had to do to get Jack ready and not talk about it. I was in a rather pensive mood. But he was just looking at me in a way that said, "Talking to me equals loving me." Ok, that might be a loose interpretation of the look, but I couldn't not interact with him. So we talked about changing out of his pajamas, putting on a clean diaper, packing the diaper bag for the day, going to camp, who we would see at camp today, what we would do at camp today, etc.

I love talking to Jack and spending time with him, and I guess I should enjoy this while it lasts. He probably won't always laugh when I talk about changing his diaper or about going to camp. Have you seen the commercial . . . well, instead of trying to explain it, here it is:



I'm sitting here watching my baby fall asleep in one arm, while I type with the other. I'll have plenty of time to work quietly in the future. I guess I'll savor these moments while they last. :)

Unfit Parent, Part 2

I missed Jack's 2-week check-up today. I mean 2 months. I guess I could have gone back and deleted "week" and substituted "month," but it seems more honest this way.

Anyway, It's just one more thing to add to my "I'm an unfit parent because . . ." list. I thought for sure the appointment was on Tuesday, but it was today. The best part of the whole story is Kyle saying to me this afternoon, "Didn't Jack have a doctor's appointment today?" That would have been a lot more helpful if it had been said in the morning. So, we're out a $25 no-show fee and we're going on Wednesday now.

When I got off the phone with the nice lady who told me that I missed the appointment, I burst into tears. Not just normal crying, but ugly crying. You know . . . the kind where your face contorts into all kinds of unpleasant shapes and you get all red and blotchy. I'm still not sure why. Can postpartum depression begin at 2 months? I don't honestly think I'm depressed, but I've definitely been more down over the last week or two.

I also had my follow up appointment at my doctor's office on Friday. Except I was at the beach with our staff on Friday. Whoops. I'm getting pretty good about missing appointments.

I know that money can't buy happiness, but I honestly think I would be happier if I were independently wealthy. Kyle just entered us in a sweepstakes where we could win a new house or $125,000 in cash. Fingers crossed.

Unfit parents

So, I feel a little unfit to be a parent today. Here's why:

We went to bed around 10:30 last night. That's way early for us in the summer so we were really excited. When I woke up this morning, I looked at the clock and it said 6:48 (which was actually 6:28). "Wow, he slept a REALLY long time," I thought with pride. But I was a little suspicious, so I asked Kyle to check on him. Kyle got up, opened the bedroom door and we heard him crying. We both thought we had turned the monitor on, but it seems that one of us turned it on and the other actually turned it off. I sprinted down the hall and picked him up and he didn't seem like he had been crying that long. But chances are that he woke up in the middle of the night and cried himself back to sleep . . . hungry and alone.

He's been sleeping all day, so I'm pretty sure he was awake a lot last night. I felt (and still feel) horrible. I know he has no memory of it, but I will.

I guess if it's the worst thing we do, we'll be lucky. But you know we will both triple check the monitor tonight.

Smile upon him

I'm sitting here watching Jack bat at the toys dangling above him (and actually hit them) and I'm in awe of this little creation that Kyle and I have been given to take care of. Every so often I'm overwhelmed with a wide range of emotions at what a huge responsibility and privilege it is to be entrusted with him.

I found this prayer in a book of prayer that I've been looking through a lot this week. It's a book full of hundreds of written prayers and I've been using it this week to find words to pray when I have been at a total loss. I stumbled on this prayer tonight:

Oh Lord my God, shed the light of your love on my child. Keep him
safe from all illness and all injury. Enter his tiny soul, and comfort him
with your peace and joy. He is too young to speak to me, and to my ears
his cries and gurgles are meaningless nonsense. But to you ears they are
prayers. His cries are cries for your blessing. His gurgles are
gurgles of delight at your grace. Let him as a child learn the way of your
commandments. As an adult let him live the full span of life, serving your
kingdom on earth. And finally in his old age, let him die in the sure and
certain knowledge of your salvation. I do not ask that he be wealthy,
powerful or famous. Rather I ask that he be poor in spirit, humble in
action, and devout in worship. Dear Lord, smile upon him.

Johann Starck, 1680 - 1756

A day at the beach

Our day at the beach with our staff was a lot of fun! Hot, but fun. The sand was 120 degrees! It was funny to see everyone dash from their towels to the water. Some of the people who climbed the dunes came back with blisters on their feet. The water felt so good and Kyle and I had a lot of time just to float on our raft and talk and debrief the events of the last week (actually, the events of the last 8 weeks).

Leaving Jack was very hard and our goodbye was tearful. Well, I cried and he gave me that drunken look that he gives when he's about to fall asleep. I think it was harder than I thought it would be because I suspect that my milk supply is getting low for a number of reasons and I was worried about what being gone for a whole day would do. It was fun to play with him this morning. He's really discovering that he has a voice and it cracks me up.

If you haven't already, read the comment left on my post yesterday. It has a link to all of the structurally deficient bridges in the US listed by state and county. It's alarming. We drove over quite a few on our way to the beach yesterday.

Kristen has a baby shower today and Kyle and Jack are hanging out at my parents house, so it should be lots of fun. I'm so excited to have a niece . . . have I mentioned in any of my blogs that I'll have a niece sometime in late September or early October? It'll be fun to have another baby around and I'm glad Jack will have a cousin the same age.

Bridges falling down

I'm so sad for the families of those who lost loved ones in the bridge collapse. I'm also scared. They just reported on the news that the bridge had been labeled as "structurally deficient" since 1990! "Wow," I thought. "Someone's gonna get fired." But then they followed that information up with a stunning statistic: 13% of all bridges are in the same condition! 13%! I'd like a list of those bridges. Until I get one, I'll be staying in the lower penninsula and this side of the Mississippi.

My first thought was, "Who needs terrorists for these kinds of things when we have good ol' American carelessness?" But I guess that's kind of harsh. I won't pretend to be an engineering expert.

Life's wierd right now

I've been on a short blogging hiatus over the last three or four days . . . because the last three or four days have been rough. You know how something can happen that can change the way you look at the world completely? I felt that way after we had a dorm fire at Greenville and lost a student in the fire my sophomore year. It's one of those things so awful that you can't believe it actually happened and your brain sometimes tries to trick you into thinking you're imagining it. Kyle and I have had several of those moments this week happen one right after the other and we're left wondering if there's anything certain in life and why things happen the way that they do.

Having said that, I've had a lot of things I would have liked to write about, but I can't remember half of them. It was a good week at camp, but more exhausting than most. I probably shouldn't be up right now even writing this because I need my sleep. We're taking our staff to Warren Dunes tomorrow for our annual "end-of-the-summer" trip. I'll be leaving my baby for the longest I've ever left him tomorrow too. I was away from him a lot today and I missed him. But what I'm looking forward to even LESS than being away from Jack is getting into a bathing suit. Yuck. No one wants to see that.

Jack is now officially 2 months old! That's so crazy. The first two months of my pregnancy seemed to last two years. The first two months of his life seemed more like two weeks.

This is going to be a BUSY weekend, so I need to get my sleep. Good night!