October 7, 2006

You give and take away . . .

I'm 7 weeks, 1 day and I think I might be losing this kid. I started spotting this morning. More than last time. Not a lot, but the cramps and lower back pain kind of scare me more. I just keep praying for it to go away and for everything to be ok. Our first ultrasound is scheduled for Monday. It's been so hard to wait during the last few weeks, but the last two days are going to be torture with this spotting (unless it turns to bleeding . . . then I guess we'll know how it all turns out). It's so gross to be talking about all of this stuff so casually, but it's really upsetting.

So, I'm feeling down. My mom and Kyle keep telling me to be optimistic, but I feel like I need to be prepared just in case. I know that there are usually no causes of miscarriage other than chromosomal abnormalities, but I keep going over things in my head like the tylenol I took last week and the corn dogs I ate a couple of weeks ago (pregnant ladies in their first trimester aren't supposed to eat hot dogs), the strain I put on myself bending over to do ebay stuff and the shivering I've done this week because I'm too cheap/broke to turn the heat on yet.

Last Sunday we sang the song "Blessed Be Your Name". It was the same song I heard on the way home from my first doctor's appointment a little more than two years ago when the doctor first told me we'd have a lot of trouble conceiving. THe part of the song that got me then was when it says:

"Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name"

"Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name"

I just remember crying in my car and thinking, "I know that I can still say 'blessed be Your name' even though this sucks." And that has stuck with me over the last two years.

When we sang it in church last week, I got choked up when we got to the bridge that says:

"You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name"

I know that God gave us this child . . . this hope for a family. . . and I know that he can take it away. And, I know that if we lose this baby, he'll mourn with us.

Every time we had some round of failed fertility treatments, we always had a mourning period. It might sound strange to mourn something that we never had in the first place, but it seemed so natural. I remember thinking that mourning after failed fertility treatments would be harder than mourning a miscarriage. I think I was right. I feel like even if I miscarry tomorrow, at least I had a chance to carry this tiny embryo for 7 weeks. At least I know that I have a chance of getting pregnant again . . . finances pending.

I know this all sounds random, but these are the thoughts going through my head. I'm going to try and get some sleep. Emphasis on "try."

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