November 12, 2006

My own personal drama

So, it's confession time. I had a little bit of a breakdown this morning.

It kind of started last week when I got my hair cut. And when I say "cut," I'm being gracious because it looks more like the lady (who did not speak English) put my hair on a chopping block and swung and axe. I didn't go to the place I usually go, because with our budget crunch I know we couldn't really afford it. So, I went to a cheaper place in the Briarwood mall. That was a mistake.

Prior to the haircut, I was already feeling self-conscious about every other unattractive thing that has been happening to my body over the last two years that we were trying to conceive (acne, facial hair, weight gain, etc.). These things have only gotten worse over the last 12 weeks. So, my hair was the last thing that I could still feel good about. It was a simple cut, but Lin managed to screw it up. The cut is a shorter version of Jennifer Aniston's, circa 1994.

My hair was kind of the last straw. And I've been holding it together pretty well up until today.

I got up and started getting ready for church. My eyes started to well up when I was in the bathroom getting ready, but when I got into the closet and started searching for something remotely attractive that fits I lost it. I was crying harder than I have in a REALLY long time. Kyle came in to tell me it was time to leave and I was sitting on the floor of the closet, half-dressed, sobbing. It was at that point that he made the call that we were going to miss church today. And I spent most of the day avoiding mirrors as much as possible.

A lot contributed to the breakdown: stress over my stupid thesis, hormones, nervousness over having a baby, total disgust with my appearance, fatigue, etc. I just am realizing that I still have 28 weeks of pregnancy to go and it's going to feel like 50.

So, I'm thinking a little more clearly now but am still a little down. I'm just thankful that most days will be better than this one.

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