Our original closing date on our new house was July 25. Last Friday. Alas, we have not closed on our new house.
It was pushed to August 1. One week isn't a big deal . . . unless you're 36 weeks pregnant. I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb.
And then over the weekend, we found that it might be pushed even farther. There are a few annoying factors that go into the delays, none of which are in our control. Let's just say that I wish that each person responsible for the closing of this deal were required to sleep with Claire in this trailer every night. That would get things moving.
I don't know how many times I've offered the "please help things go smoothly" prayer over the last month. Probably hundreds.
On Friday night, shortly after learning about the most recent delay, we were driving to return our uhaul as I began to cry and ask God to just push this thing through. That's when it hit me like a ton of bricks: I'm not sure God's as worried about the progress of our mortgage as much as He's concerned with the state of my heart. Maybe none of this is about getting our family into a house before baby #4 comes. Maybe it's all about learning to trust Him, and know that He's ultimately in control. Maybe this is about surrender.
Kyle and I stayed in the trailer for the first time Saturday night. The kids were at my parents. I woke up around 5:30 and was doing my best to not completely lose it. By 6:00, I'd decided that I'd better just let it all out while the kids aren't here, and cried for about an hour. My sobs eventually woke Kyle up and we decided to go for breakfast. The whole day ended up being kind of a disaster, and the emotion of being at the house for the last time added to it.
I'm trying to hard to just trust God, but when I'm driving around with my 2-year-old AT 4 in the morning so that she won't wake her brothers up in the trailer we're all sharing, all I can do is cry. But my prayers have changed. When I worry, I pray that he'll use this to increase my dependance on Him. When I stress out, I pray for peace. When I hear about more delays, I pray for patience with our current living situation. The house will close when the house closes, no matter how much I stress out or worry about it.