I love to rock with you as you fall asleep. You often prefer to just be laid down when you get tired. But every so often, you'll still let me.
Don't tell your dad, but sometimes, I rock you longer than I need to. Partially because I like it. But also because there's typically chaos on the other side of your bedroom door. The kind of chaos that results from trying to get your brothers to bed for the night. On many nights, staying and rocking with you is so much more appealing than wrangling them into bed. I know that all too soon, you'll be causing that chaos at bedtime, and I want to savor the cuddle time you'll allow me while it lasts!
On those nights that you let me rock you, I sing to you. Even on the nights that you won't rock, I'll still sing one song after I lay you down. I'm not a great singer, but you don't seem to mind. I sing mostly hymns, because I suspect that bedtime lullabies might be your only exposure to those. There's a chance that you may have some of the words a little mixed up, because I'm a shaky on the lyrics when we get beyond the second verse. In a normal week we'll sing Great is Thy Faithfulness, It is Well, How Great Thou Art, Amazing Grace, And Can it Be, and a few more. We normally end with the doxology. You might not know "Jesus Loves Me" when you get to preschool, but you'll sing a mean "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing."
You've started making your own joyful noises, with your squealing and your squeaking this month. Mostly you just have these soft coos and grunts, but every so often you'll have a run of squealing that makes us laugh. I don't remember you brothers every doing this. It must be a girl thing. We all really get a kick out of it.
You rolled over once this month. I left you on your back, went back to my desk and when I heard you fussing I turned around and saw you on your belly kind of bewildered as to how you got there. You like to roll yourself to your side, normally to see your brothers, or to find out what's going on behind you.
It's been almost a year since we found out that you were on the way. Which means a year ago, I still had no idea that you'd be here right now. Your brothers were staying with grandma and grandpa for two nights and I was incredibly emotional that entire weekend. I couldn't figure out why. When we picked them up and brought them home, they cried the entire way and I remember being so overwhelmed. I had purchased a pregnancy test on that Friday before, and I can't even remember why. I think because of all of the heartburn I was having, and because of how out of wack my emotions seemed. I didn't really think it would be positive. I just wanted to put my mind at ease.
When we got home that Sunday afternoon, I went to the bathroom while your dad made dinner for the boys. I saw the test sitting there and decided to take it. My jaw dropped when I saw the "pregnant" appear. I stumbled out to the kitchen and told your dad, and we struggled to keep our composure until after your brothers were in bed. It was one of the happiest days of my life.
I know that I've never done anything to deserve you, Claire. You're a gift. A blessing. It's my privilege to be your mom.